If you haven’t read the original – which you can right here:
You’ll know that Facebook Status is the new window to the soul. This is a little helpful guide as to what your friends are trying to say.
Dan (a few seconds ago): A day for new beginnings.
What they’re really saying: I was in the elevator with that black guy who works on four. I nodded to him and he nodded back!
Mike (17 minutes ago): The Miami Heat are unstoppable! LeBron 4 Life!
What they’re really saying: Is it normal for my boner to hurt? I should see a doctor. Sports Center is on!
Jill (about an hour ago): Dylan and I are expecting a baby boy!!!!!
What they’re really saying: Oh where, oh where could that condom be? Oh where, oh where could it be? I’m twenty-two and my boyfriend seriously has a “Seether” tattoo. What the hell happened?
Jon (18 minutes ago): 25 cent wings @ Dale’s Pub!
What they’re really saying: Trisha is such a bitch. But, I’m fine without her. All I need are a few brews, my bros, and wings… But not Trisha. Ugh, I hate her… I hope she sees this and is all like ‘Jon’s doing pretty good, I should call him.’ And I’ll be all like, ‘whatevs’ and then I’ll pick up some chick when I’m eating wings all cool and take a picture and put it on Facebook and Trisha will be all like, ‘who’s that new chick?’ I’m a f-ing mastermind.
Todd (Yesterday): LOL @ Life!!!
What they’re really saying: I think I hit a little kid last night with my car.
Trisha (two days ago): Mojitos are my fav… Right Donna?!?!
What they’re really saying: Where the hell did you go last night, Donna? When I told you I wanted to get out of the house to take my mind off Jon it didn’t mean leaving me in a packed bar while you went god knows where with that bass player guy. WTF. Do you have any idea how gross and creeper those Ukrainian guys were?
Joanna (two days ago): Farmers Market tomorrow! Best black bean burgers in town!
What they’re really saying: I don’t shop at Wal-Mart, Target, anywhere. Do you hear me? I’ve never shopped at any of those stores in my entire life. Never. I’ve never worn any clothes made outside the USA. I’ve never had a trans-fat, diet coke, or smoked a cigarette. I go to Yoga every day. You believe me don’t you? Please believe me. Please god believe me.
Molly (4 seconds ago): Early Saturday morning run.
What they’re really saying: Hail Satan!
Keep it tuned to the CraveOnline.com comedy channel for more decoding of the Facebook!