Pirates Love Ninjas: The Search for Peace

An attempt to end what could be the most bloody and awful fictional war of all time.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

With all the wars going on in the world today, you'd think that our pop culture would want to escape from that. Well, you'd be wrong. I'd be right, but it was rigged from the beginning, so I won't really count it as a win for me.

As I was saying, we have a lot of war in our fiction for a world with so much war in our fact. It seems kinda old hat now. It bleeds into completely ridiculous internet debates over who would win in various wars against various other people. They even ended up making a show about it.

In the text, I sound disappointed, but really this show is kinda awesome.

Why all the fighting, guys? It's been almost a hundred years since "The War To End All Wars", but I'm starting to think that was a misnomer. You'd think we'd at least be removing it from our friendly conversations, but no. The fake wars rage on. And none has been more gruesome or intense than Pirates versus Ninjas.

But why? Why must we assume that Pirates and Ninjas must fight? It's not like the Jets and the Sharks. These people have never encountered each other, and have no personal feelings about it one way or another. We pretend they do, but there's no way of knowing if Ninjas would kill Pirates on sight, or if they'd just go out and get a few beers.

Best Wingmen Ever.

However, for the sake of argument, let's say they do automatically despise each other. The first Pirate sees the first Ninja across a crowded dance floor, and suddenly it's all swashbuckling, throwing stars and what the news calls the "Dance Floor Massacre" for the next thirty years. While it's a tragedy, and my hearts go out to the parents of all the students of Jabberwocky High School, we can't let it prevent us from talking reconciliation.

The first step towards brokering peace in any situation is figuring out what issues each party has with the other. While there has been no documented evidence of any issues, we can make some pretty logical assumptions. Ninjas probably hate Pirates because they are jealous of the Pirate's ability to be loud, obnoxious and boisterous without diminishing their fighting ability. The Pirates, on the other hand, hate them back because Ninjas are inherently poor, and killing them yields no booty.

Unless you mean this kind of booty.  Here you go.  Take it.

The next step is to find common interests. Fortunately, this part is really easy. They both love killing people. All the time. While their motives might be different, all any of them want is to take people who are alive and keep them from doing that much longer. Suddenly, we've got Pirates and Ninjas, history's oldest enemies (citation needed), communicating. Damn, it's like Jean Luc Picard impregnated Henry Kissinger and I blew out of his belly like he was John Hurt. (Also, sorry for that mental image. That was totally my bad.)

Now, maybe we can talk find a deal that makes everyone happy. Here's my proposal. Ninjas can use their awesome stealth skills to become cat burglars and steal the Pirates a whole bunch of jewels and crowns and stuff. You know, the stuff Pirates like. In exchange, the Pirates can hold a seminar on being a giant dillweed and shouting incomprehensible nonsense while wearing ostentatious clothing and maintaining fighting skill throughout, and all the Ninjas can attend.

How does that sound, Pirates? Ninjas, are you happy with that? It seems like a pretty sweet deal, and I'd like to wrap this up. I mean, how can we possibly expect peace in the Middle East when our caricatures of mostly fictional historical icons can't even coexist?