Manipulate Your Friends!

People like Charles Manson and Dr. Phil shouldn’t be the only ones who get to have that kind of fun.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

Eat and drink random stuff for kicks and force it on others. I’m telling you to walk around with a TaB in one hand and a yo-yo in the other. Invite people over for vodka and Tang cocktails with pixie stix and then tell them you’re all going to sew a quilt together. And if anyone says,”Hey, this all seems a little nuts,” give them the following answer: “The Coen Brothers do this all the time.” No one has a problem with the Coen brothers. Not only are the Coen brothers are always in style, but most dudes treat them as the granddaddy-uncles of good taste. If you say that the Coen brothers have put their stamps on orange Croc's, not wearing condoms and “I love Jesus” armbands, no one will have a counter argument. I guarantee it.

Not getting your way? Here’s a gem of a response that’s sure to get things going in the direction you want them to be in. If your friend shows up late, your girlfriend wants you to kick in for half of the bill, your mom wants to know if you’re still a 34 long—throw this one at them: “No one has ever said that to me before.” The key to this one working is all about tone. You’ve really got to conjure up the latch-key kid inside of you, whose parents never made it to your first grade bake sale to raise money for your T-ball league. You’re going to then nail it by avoiding eye contact and hunching your shoulders. Then—and this is the kicker—rub a piece of nearby furniture with one hand like you’re in so much pain, you’ve lost touch with reality. Ha cha!

The next time a friend starts raving about a band/celeb/designer/restaurant/sports team/what-have-you that they just can’t get enough of, zing them with this, “I don’t like to involve myself with entities that support genocide.” When they look at you in horror and ask for specifics, tell them to write to their congressman (most people don’t know who their congressman is, ha cha!). This is a surefire way to get out of unwanted invites to events filled with tools.

This strategy truly is for the bold and those ruled by a what-the-hell-mindset. Start wearing a t-shirt wrapped around your head, just like Joaquin Phoenix in I’m Still Here. Honestly, you’ll look ridiculous, as he looked ridiculous (as Ben Stiller hinted at, ha cha). But if you want some real shits and giggles, you’ll do it. Whenever anyone asks what the deal with your shirt-hat is, just say, “I don’t like to feel pressured, you know?” When they ask pressured by whom, say, “society.” I promise that someone you know, will follow suit and that will be hilarious.