The Best Revenge… is Revenge

Some say the best revenge is living well. Ha ha. My friends, the best revenge is F-ing up someone’s mind. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Anyone who tells you something different sees a shrink three times a week.

If you have an ex who’s still a thorn in your side, an ex-friend who still rubs you the wrong way, or a former boss who was just a bit too grating—try these simple tactics to gain have the most important thing in life. The last laugh.

Before I get into the rest of the article, I just want to say one thing. As I was writing this at a bar on Sunset, Megan Fox walked by. And when she did, she gave my butt a gentle tap. I’m not kidding. I’m straight (and a woman, p.s.) but I still feel special. I feel redeemed. I feel like a contender.

This is me, writing to you, and I’m completely serious. Megan Fox, also known as the hottest person on a place called Earth, just tapped my butt! And here’s the best part—when I looked up she gave me a little smile.

One last thing—that was all bullshit. But I guarantee if any of my ex-boyfriends or ex-friends had read it, they would’ve felt the sting of the sensation of losing-at-life. And that’s not nothing, folks. I’m not advocating you name-drop random celebrities to make people you don’t like feel crummy—I’m recommending you make up fairy tales about these celebrities and then stand behind them!

Try it. I’m all for lying to one’s enemies to save face. Because as far as I’m concerned, that’s the meaning of life.

The last time I was at a party and I saw some dude who thinks we’re friends, but truthfully I hate his guts like eggnog because he’s always telling me about the last party he went to at David Lynch’s house and how awesome it was. Now, call me a tool for doing this or call me quick on my feet, but I discretely picked up my cell phone before he could see and faked a phone call where I said (loudly, but chicly) “And that’s what I think we should do with the $500,000.”

He felt it. I could tell.

So once you’ve thrown around some big money figures like a frat boy vomiting up his last double-double, you can now go in for the clincher—making the person you’re talking to feel really small. Just as the conversation is winding up, slide this zinger in. “by the way, who does your licensing agreements?” The person you’re talking to will either look at you quizzically, say nothing, or stammer out something to the effect of “I don’t… do that… stuff.” All in all you’ve made them feel like a smurf! Ha cha!