I Am So Glad I’m Not A Cow

You may have never thought about it before, but I'm positive you agree.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

This is going to sound like a ridiculous premise, but I want you to know that, from the bottom of my heart, I am really glad that I am not a cow. I'm sure that cows are totally happy with their lives, benefitting greatly from their lack of a higher consciousness. I am not so lucky. Granted, the possibility that this would actually come up beyond theoretical conversation is little to none, but I suddenly feel very strongly about this nonetheless.

Let's start this with a brief anecdote. Back in my high school Philosophy class, my teacher asked the class on the first day if we would rather be a miserable human or a happy shark. I was the only one who wanted to be a miserable human. First of all, come on people. Second of all, I like to think a shark has to have some kind of higher intelligence, evolved specifically for the purpose of appreciating the terror it inspires in humanity. It actually works better for cows. And the reality is that most people would choose blissful ignorance over the burden of knowledge.

Pretty sure that explains the History Channel.

But not me. I abstain from idiocy. So, in attempt to get ever so slightly back on track, have you ever seen a cow's face? Because there is no way anything is going on behind those eyes. You think they're pondering the effects of their methane production on our atmosphere, or philosophizing about whether the grass really is greener on the other side? No. Cows are dumb. Like, super duper dumb. And I can't get behind that, in the same way that I wouldn't want to be behind an actual cow.

Also, have you smelled a cow lately? Do they not make deodorant for cows? Well, I suppose they don't, but there has to be some way to fix that even a little. And cows are usually in herds, which means not only do you stink, but everyone around you stinks. All the time. The only thing that might make this bearable is that you'd be too dumb to care.

Also, let's look at all the things a cow can't do. No video games if you are a cow. I doubt you get to listen to much music as a cow, if any. And even if you do, you certainly don't get your own personalized Pandora station. In fact, under the law, cows can't even own possessions. Or vote. So many things that are important to me are just worlds that the cow is just not allowed to be a part of. As a Jew, I already know what that feels like with country clubs, street gangs and most areas in the Middle East. I don't need to feel that way about sitting.

Let me be plain here. I freaking love sitting. On my list of top ten favorite activities, three of them are sitting. The only thing I do more than sit is recline. I sit so much there's an article on Snopes about whether or not my butt exists. I have a sponsorship deal with Lay-Z-Boy. There is currently a protest outside my apartment to free my couch from oppression. I beat Steven Hawking in the 2009 Don't-Stand-Up-Athon. I'll just sit on babies for ten bucks an hour while watching the CW and curling my hair. I don't care. I'm a crazy sitter. I'm Sitthartha. I'm full of sit.

Any guesses as to what cows don't get to do?

That (pun intended) is bullsit. If you think you can live without sitting, you are kidding yourself. I now understand why Hindus worship them- they are cursed to stand eternally, but don't take their misery out on anyone else. They just stand there, quietly accepting their fate. Though again, they may be too dumb to care. In either case, I respect the dedication to tenacity or ignorance. But still, if I ever woke up as a cow, I'd lock myself in a van and fart myself to death.