Screw, Push or Marry

Hey dudes. We’ve all played the game “Screw, Push or Marry” at some party at least once in our lives. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

For those of you with hazier memories, you name three people, and everyone around the table has to personally assign a “screw, push (like off a cliff) or marry” to each one. Like for example, if someone yelled “Lane: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and George Clooney, screw, push or marry?” I would reply, “screw matt, marry Ben and push George,” without needing a second to think.

Well now, being the expert I consider myself to be in the ways of the world, the motivations of men and matters of the heart, I’m going to name three hot women, and predict what the majority of our male readers would assign, if playing screw, push or marry. You readers have the task of telling me if I’m accurate, partly accurate, or dumber and blinder than a drunken mule on Tuesday.

Megan Fox: Screw!

She bends over with a wrench in her hand, sticking her butt out to the open air as she works on a car. Come on. Call me out of touch with young people or call me just plain naïve, but I don’t think there’s a man alive that doesn’t feel it on all cylinders when he sees that. I mean, hey, look at Shia LaBoeuf. He felt it, did it, and couldn’t keep it to himself. Though can any of us really blame him? I think any dude with all his marbles, and properly living in the false reality of the game, would properly give her this assignment. And hey, if I don’t know what I’m talking about, by all means, readers, let me know.

Scarlett Johannsen:  Push!

Yes, I know she’s blonde and has a big rack. But I think that if dudes had to chosoe between her and the Foxster, they’d choose the latter.  She also has a weird nose (or perhaps I’m just a jealous b*tch) and I have a feeling she’s temperamental as all hell. And correct me if I’m wrong, she seems like she might be rather demanding… you know. Look at Sean Penn, he’s built like s shit brick house and even he couldn’t put up with her. That’s really got to make you wonder—that a guy as tough as Mr. Penn had enough of Miss Scarlett J. What, did he just get bored shagging her? No. I think her neuroses just wore him out.

Jessica Alba: Marry!

Now this one is easy. She’s sexy and has a sweet face. It’s like you took the mind and soul of a kind-hearted suburban soccer mom who just lives to pick you up on time and pack you lunches and trapped her in the body of a men’s magazine model, you’d have Miss Alba. She acts like she doesn’t have a moody bone in her body. It’s like she would love to wake up in the morning and make you some French toast. Plus, she’s already squeezed out a kid, which clearly shows she’s got having a family on the brain. And, I guarantee you that one is going to age well. You know how most women decay into a dried apricot that’s been sat on, left behind on the back seat of a ’94 VW, baking in the sun? Alba is going to age like a symphony.

Anyway, these are my best guesses. Whatcha say, bros?