Showers Are Illogical

Cleaning yourself shouldn't drive you crazy.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

First of all, I encourage all people to shower. Whether that's daily or every other day is up to you and how sweaty you get at work. So please, don't try this at home (not showering I mean).

A friend of mine recently came in from a long road trip from across the United States. He's seen the beauty of these 50 (?) nifty United States and he has a common observation: that all showers are built a little bit different.

Toilets and sinks in America follow at least one kind of logic. Toilets you have to sit down, there's usually a lid (unless you are in a public restroom sometimes) and sinks typically have two knobs, one for hot and one for cold. It all makes sense; and there's rarely a game-breaking variation. Yet for some indescribable reason, showers have to follow no logic whatsoever!


Bill Murray exemplifies the problem.

Showers have an extremely steep learning curve. If there's just one knob on a shower you think "Oh, I'll turn it one direction and I'll get either hot or cold!" So you assume that turning to the left is hot and right is cold, then proceed to either freeze your ass off or boil it. The ones I hate the most are the ones where you have to turn the knob almost all the way around just to get to "hot". That's total bullshit. The designers of those knobs need to live like a human once in a while. If anything, the first option should be "hot" not "cold". Don't get me started on counter-clockwise turns either.

Those knobs can be really, really sensitive, you never get "just the right amount". It's crazy to me that people don't notice it sooner or that they don't even care! If a shower has a wrench you need to turn to get the water "just right" you need a new shower. You sleep over at a friend's house or friend of the family's and they have some crazy shower logic you've never seen before. If they feel the need to explain the shower's logic before you get in the bathroom that's a red flag. They'll tell you to turn the knob to the right, wait three seconds, then turn the knob to the left. What the living hell is that? You wonder aloud "How can someone live with a dysfunctional shower?"

"Oh, you just have to get used to it." I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

I demand universal logic and functionality with my showers. If I see three knobs in a shower; I need the left one to be hot, the middle one to make it a shower (UP) or a bath (DOWN) and the right one to be cold. Then depending on how I turn the knobs I can "pre-mix" the temp before I get in. I am a huge proponent of "pre-mixing". And I see you nodding your head through the internet, you know you do too.

The Vado showerhead. Why!?

And another thing! Showers NEVER let you stand in there and adjust the temp comfortably. The water always shoots out like you just cracked open a fire hydrant in Harlem while you feebly attempt to quell the scalding to your skin. Shower heads need to point down all the time. Like, build an auto correct when you're done showering that the head automatically lowers. And you should get a warning beep right before the hot water runs out too…as long as I'm wishing for things.

Showers need rules, we've let them run wild over us for too long. Too many knobs, too many shower heads, not enough humanity. I just want to get in, get clean, and get out. If I have to think for any more than five minutes in how to get the shower water to hit my naked body properly I'm already late for work. Feel free to re-post this article and spread the word to those mother-fuckers at Moen, Kohler, Delta, etc. to get on it and fix their shower logic.

Thank you, and happy bathing.


Don't get me started on baths!