Alternate Earth Interviews: Helen Mirren

Catch up on your favorite celebs… in another dimension!!!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Once again, the good folks at CraveOnline have asked me to brave the unknown and venture forth into another dimension, risking life and limb for a few more hits on their Comedy Channel. Telling me that if I didn’t go, I’d never see my friends or family again.

 

I swallowed my pride and agreed to the journey, stepping inside the CraveOnline Dimensional Portal (patent pending).

 

The destination: Earth#45.

 

My Target: Dame Helen Mirren.

 

Proud owner of an Oscar, three Golden Globes, four Emmys, and the sweetest cans you’ll ever see on a sixty-year-old (see Caligula (1979)).

 

I was able to catch up with Helen Mirren in Earth#45’s version of Surrey, England. I was told she could be found performing at one of Surrey’s hottest strip clubs, “The Cat and the String,” dancing under the name, “Able Mabel.”

 

As I first approached Dame Helen, she looked at me with sultry contempt. I then took a seat near the main stage, where I placed several British pounds on the table. My bait for her attention.

 

She stumbled over to me, gin and tonic in hand, wearing only a g-string.

 

HM: Care for a dance, young man?

CK: Um, actually I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.

HM: Who do you work for? Big John? Tell that bloody f-cker he’ll have his money Tuesday!

CK: Actually, I write for an online entertainment website.

HM: Like “Hustler?”

CK: No… er, at least, not yet, anyways. I just want to ask you some things.

HM: Nothin’s free, Charlie.

CK: It’s Christian, and, um — here you go. (handing her a few more pounds)

HM: Ask away.

CK: What I’m going to tell you… it may shock you at first.

HM: Oh, nothin’ shocks me anymore. Not since I started doing the “ping-pong” bit.

CK: The “ping-pong” bit?

HM: Ten more pounds to see it. Twenty, if you want me to shoot them at your face.

CK:… No, that’s cool. Dame Helen, I come from a different planet. Another dimension. And on my world, you are one of the most respected, revered, and talented actresses of all time.

HM: Got any coke?

CK: … Sorry, no.

HM: This is boring. How about I give you a dance?

CK: I’m fine, really. Are you listening to me? You have an Academy Award on my planet.

HM: Let’s slip in the back and I’ll show what the real, “West End.”

CK: How did you get into exotic dancing?

HM: I started young, ‘round fifteen. I’ve danced all over the place. Piccadilly, Manchester, Sanford, Gloustershire – you name it.

CK: I suppose that performance is something you’ve always been drawn to?

HM: At first it was for the money. But once the owners get the hooks in you — you’re in it for life.

CK: What hooks?

HM: Crank, speed — hard stuff.

CK: I don’t mean to be rude, but there is some blood coming out of your nose.

(She wipes the blood away)

HM: Don’t let it worry you, it always happens when I take one bump too many.

CK. Wow. Do you have any messages for your Helen Mirren counterpart on my version of Earth?

HM: “You can take a girl out of an opium den, but you can’t take the opium den out of the girl.”

CK: I’m going to leave now. It was nice meeting you Dame Helen.

HM: You take care sweetie.

 

She blows me a kiss, and downs the rest of her drink in one gulp. I walk alone out into the cold English night, bewildered a searching for the man I once was.

 

Keep it tuned to CraveOnline for more Alternate Earth Interviews!