Why Comic Con is Going to Suck Sooner than Later

Or perhaps it already does…

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I don’t know, I’ve never been to Comic Con. Now you can call me a nay-sayer, you can call me uninformed, you can call me a dumb b*tch who has no idea what f*ck she’s talking about, or you can call me the queen of the planet damn straight.

Here’s the bare bones of what I know about Comic Con: Started in Detroit. Moved to San Diego. It’s a convention for comic book fans or so it started. Expanded to video games and feature films. Offers workshops, classes, seminars, costume parties, parades and orgies (mental and physical) for the fans.

Maybe I’m missing some parts, but that’s the gist of it, isn’t it?

Here’s what I KNOW FOR SURE.

The city of Los Angeles will take something awesome and F-it-up until it is no longer recognizable—until you cannot even remember that this awesome thing ever existed.

Now, the fact that Comic-con takes place in San Diego by no means protects it from the legion of toolsheds that live in Los Angeles. It’s number is up and it’s coming up soon.

Case in point: the downtown artwalk. If you haven’t done it, you’ll never experience what it once was a couple of years ago, and if you haven't done it recently, you’re in for a time of pure suckage. Crowds so thick you’ll feel like you're in Tokyo, Japan. Food trucks as far as the eye can see with lines that wrap around each one ten times. Hipsters selling trinkets. Everyone dressed to the nines and giving you their scornful glares and NO ONE LOOKING AT ART.

Now, when I see pictures of toolshed celebrities like Megan Fox, Carey Mulligan, Olivia Wilde, Anna Paquin and Kate Beckinsale posing at Comic Con like the cool kids crashing the nerd party, trying to take it over, I get physically ill.

Mark my words, it’s just going to be a matter of time before Comic Con becomes a festival for everyone to parade their tanned legs and new kicks. Just like Coachella– it u to be music festival for smelly hippies, and also allowed the normal people to get a break from all the smelly hippies in their town—now it’s festival for hipsters, celebs, and anyone who loves the camera.

I’m being really serious here. If Comic Con has any interest in keeping their festival pure, they’ll have a Comic Book Pop Quiz to gain entrance, requiring all who attend to have a very basic knowledge of the DC and Marvel universes. Like, "How did Superman come to earth as he was born on Krypton?" (Or you could ask attendees to spell "Krypton"). Or, "When Peter Parker debuted in 1962, what made him so different from other superheroes?" 

This would give the legit people time to reflect and show off their knowledge and get the posers out of the vicinity. Heck, you need to take the SATs to get into college, surely Comic Con is equally important. Who's with me?