5 Things Bakers Find Offensive

Well, look at you. Biting into that muffin with a sense of entitlement. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Little did you know that bakers are an often marginalized group of people, taken for granted by a society that expects them to bend over while they butter their bread. Or whatever I was trying to say by that analogy.

 

I’m writing this to educate all of us to cultivate some sensitivity to the delicate hands that knead your dough and pop it in the oven. They don’t all wear those pouffy white hats like on cartoons, ps.

 

Sugar isn’t just white, folks. Sugar comes in a medley of shades from brown, to the beige granules of sugar in the raw, to the unrefined sugar in maple candy to that other kind. So stop referring to cocaine as sugar, okay? It’s highly presumptuous .  

 

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. This is definitely a tried and true phrase that bakers collectively loathe, so stop repeating it. Or tell grandpa to stop repeating it, if you’re not at fault. Most kitchens in restaurants and bakeries in the United States reach up to 222 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the temperature you would feel if you were floating in a red balloon near the sun. It’s hot. You’re using that expression to talk about some Dead Space 2 game that got out of control. The bakers feel there is no comparison.

 

That girl is smoking hot! Could you please find some other way to describe the ho that you feel attracted to? Baked Alaska is hot (google it, moron). Hot refers to the things bakers take out of the oven, and they don’t like it any other way. Their hands get hot when they shove them into oven mitts and then stick them in a 575 degree oven, son.

 

Cinnamon rolls not cinnamon buns, people. Call bakers prudish or call them human beings. When you give a baked treat attributes of the human anatomy you’re grossing everyone out and making bakers feel like pimps in southeast Asia, carefully primping and rolling the dough out into little tushes to be consumed by hungry adults. And you offend the waitress too when you say, “Oh hey, and bring me one of those cinnamon buns while you’re at it, toots.” Even if you leave out the “toots,” the waitress still thinks you're ogling her bits and bobs when you mention any bits and bobs.

 

This bread is stale. Oh, are bakers responsible for the chemical and physical properties that occur to all baked goods place on our earth and in our air? Instead, just say, “Oh, the texture and taste of this bread has changed due to chemical processes I don’t really understand via no fault of the bakers!"