Time Travel Needs To Exist Already

Experiencing Time in a Linear Progression is so last year.

Zack S. Westby Zack S. West

Everybody has had that conversation. You know the one I’m talking about. You and your high school BFF sitting on the couch drinking cheap beer and commiserating about how time has gotten away from you. If only you could change the past, you know you could have done better. Don’t you wish you could just go back in time?

Yes. We all wish that. That is a thing that we all want to do. So why don’t we have it yet?

Seriously. Is nobody working on this? Have we just marked it up to sheer impossibility? Because I don’t like to think that’s true. I get that it is very unlikely. But wasn’t the idea of harnessing electricity once just as ludicrous?

I bet you he wants time travel too.

Think of all the things we could do. And I’m not just talking about going back and killing Hitler. We’ve all seen far too many episodes of Twilight Zone and Doctor Who to go around messing with history. But I don’t believe in the Butterfly Effect. I mean, obviously, there are certain situations in which you may run over a cow and prevent the Great Chicago Fire, but those are few and far between.

Do you really think it would greatly effect the scheme of things if there were a few more attendees at the million man march? Suddenly, it’s the 1.5 million man march, and nobody notices the difference. Or you could check out the pyramids mid-construction and find out whether or not there were aliens (spoiler- there weren’t, just jews). Heck, you could meet your friends for lunch at that restaurant in the Ice Age that serves Mammoth tartare. Just remember to bring a jacket.

And that’s just the beginning. Once we develop a way to pass completely unnoticed in the past, we will completely stop living in a world with linear time. We will no longer be able to measure years in quite the same way, because we will no longer be using them in the same way. Meetings would still have a date and time, but you could get there whenever you want. Moments become destinations. Everyone is living through a different timeline simultaneously.

Though I suppose it would make birthdays even harder to remember.

But in general, it’s a good idea. There is only one hitch in the plan. Time Crime. And it’s not as charming as the time crime rhyme would lead you to believe. Theoretically, it is possible that not all people on the planet are as evolved as I and would not be able to resist the urge to screw with history. And, as we’ve seen from our television programmes, that can be very very horrible. So clearly, that is the flaw in the plan and the thing keeping us from laughing in the face of time forever.

BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION! (I bet you didn’t expect that.)

First, you have to identify the motivation behind Time Crimes. Usually, either they are trying to stop something horrible that happened, or do something horrible that didn’t. So all we have to do is keep people from being able to interact with people from the past.  So:  Everyone gets a collar. When you are born, you get a collar. It never comes off. I guess it would probably have to be waterproof, but the details are irrelevant now. Here’s the thing about it- everyone who hasn't been exposed to time travel doesn't have a collar.  So, if you try to mess with someone without a collar, it disintegrates you. That way, people will stay in line, for fear of their own life, and would die long before they get the chance to mess everything up.

But what about the time disintegrating suicide bombers, you ask? Well, there’s only one solution for that.

Remember, we can kidnap him when he’s young.