Celebrity Weddings Can Suck It

I'll take "death" please.

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

Let's start this on a positive note.

I've made it a personal mission of mine to not talk about a certain celebrity. Ever. If you want to find out who this is it's pretty easy. I make it a point never to highlight her reality tv show, or look at her ads, or watch her "home movies". I even try my best to avoid using her name. I refuse to endorse someone who so expertly siphons the attention of people who WORK for a living that she fools those people into thinking that what she does IS work. Not me ma'am. Not me.

But this is America, so people are entitled to live how they want to live and make money in the same way. I do not know her personally so everything I believe about her might be carefully constructed pop culture lies. She's probably not a media prostitute. If that's true, I apologize.

Except I don't, because she is, and the fact that her failed wedding is now taking up over four news cycles is repulsive. But I don't just hate her wedding (or lack of one that lasts) I hate all celebrity weddings.

Let me be specific, I don't mean that celebrities can't get married. I just mean that if you have to capture a hundred white male doves, castrate them, then tie little notes to their feet in a representation of sexual monogamy just to send out the invitations…then I hate you.

Okay, that might be a bit hyperbolic, but who cares? I'm in the throws of populist rage here!  

Invite the whole three hundred member family tree? Fine. Throw it on a private island or in an elaborate gallery? Terrific, that's beautiful. But if the bride's dress costs more than the house she's moving into and news networks are encouraged to park outside the chapel during the service while trained elephants sing the wedding march you are officially asking for attention.

"Look at me America! Look at my fairy tale wedding! Look at my amazing tits/dick in this dress/Giorgio Armani suit!" F*** you.

Look at some of these examples of over-extravagance, culled from the source found here.

– 220 guests at Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's wedding received engraved Tiffany clocks amassing over $80,500…but the one thing they couldn't buy…WAS HAPPINESS.

– The Beckhams would be wed in 99' sitting atop gold-encrusted thrones. That's right. Thrones made from gold…wasn't there a verse in the bible about idolatry? SINNERS.

– When Donald Trump and Melania Knauss tied the knot Melina wore a relatively conservative number constructed with 300 feet of satin, 1,500 crystals, and weighing in at over 50 lbs…there's a joke about being fat or skinny in here somewhere but I just can't seem to find it…I NEVER GO FOR THE CHEAP GAG.

– When Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz (who?) decided to tie the "aren't they too young for this?" knot they did it in a creepy Alice in Wonderland theme. Best bit? They asked all 150 guests to check cameras and cell phones before entering the tent…DICKS.


…okay, okay…I'm tapping out…

I can only take so much of the over-indulgent wedding brew ha ha. The real lesson to be learned from all this is that our media is obsessed with getting celebs married, then imbued with scandal, then divorced, then remarried again and add three adopted kids. All the while the greater public laps up these details in daytime talk shows, radio programmes, and vapid celeb pieces on our news cycle. This is just one little bear's opinion…but I just don't care.

…Unless I have one. Then you're all invited. To watch it on E! of course. What!? Alexiana and I can't fit all of you on the Pre-Wedding Zebra Procession!

For more jokes about castrating birds follow the author @cravesam