Before you cracked that driver's license barrier and dropped your acne, you were sure your whole world would change by the time you had all your armpit hair. Come to find out: not so much.
Clearly, these are still amazing. Who wouldn't jump at the change to inhabit a fantastic escapist imaginary world where you're a universe-saving hero? (Even if that hero's a flower-munching Italian plumber or a blue hedgehog that runs a hundred MPH…those developers were on some weird drugs). But if those games were chocolate cake, today's versions land somewhere in the vicinity of crack cocaine. Who needs to go on vacation when you can just stare at the mountains in Skyrim all day and order pizza when you get hungry? Did you know Blizzard studied addictive slot-machine algorithms when they were creating World of Warcraft? Yeah, there's a reason you've been motionless in your chair so long your asscrack is starting to mold.
This doesn't quite have the forbidden luster it used to, admittedly. There was a time you'd pop a dripping boner after catching a glimpse of some dirt-smeared tits from a guttered magazine outside Circus Circus while on vacation with your folks. Now it takes a little more than a nipple to get the engine going…or maybe not; I have no clue what kinds of hormone-crazed eyes are reading this…but chances are, porn is less exotic mystery now, more trusted friend. Oh, and now we have…THE INTERNET. Godammit, I wish I was a teenager today. Oceans of tits at the push of a button. At least now it's there for us at the end of the workday, along with our beer and our joint. Hell, even our girlfriends like porn these days. Oh sorry, "literotica".
3. COMIC BOOKS
I don't know if you've noticed, but your favorite childhood superhero mags have, um, TAKEN OVER THE WORLD. Hollywood is wolfing down every bit of comic culture it can get its hands on and belching forth giant clouds of money. The rights to Cowboys and Aliens were optioned BEFORE THE COMIC WAS DONE. True, they're strip-mining your precious youth for profit, but you can enjoy the sudden cultural validity of geekdom as a byproduct. ComiCon is now one of the biggest entertainment industry events in the country. When the f**k did THAT happen? And why are there so many girls there? No, just go with it. Don't ask too many questions.
4. BUILDING FORTS
What, you're skeptical? You say you don't remember the last time you crafted a vast castle from couch cushions and bedsheets? Think bigger, my friend. Think Malibu mansion bigger. The most expensive homes are the craziest-looking ones; you ever notice that? That's right, you still want a giant secret lair with concealed balconies and spiral staircases. Except now, you can actually afford one (in your dreams). A lot of adult toys are like that-- just bigger versions of kid toys. This is why Vegas has stupid themes, like Disneyland. It's because it is Disneyland. With titties.
Remember running around outside with your friends? Remember having fun? These days, we SCHEDULE fun-- 5:00 tennis game, Ultimate Frisbee, a night at the club, all of this restricted to the weekends, all in the form of regimented activities that either have rules or cost money. Really, we're just in pursuit of that paradise of un-pressured exploration we left behind when our balls dropped. But re-read this list-- it doesn't have to be that way. Look at your life like a game, and look for little ways to make it more interesting. Start driving without worrying about where you'll end up. Go hiking in a forest. Oh, and don't forget about the ultimate adult playtime: sex. That's right. If you're turning sex into a f*****g sport, you're doing it wrong. If you're lucky enough to get a gorgeous girl into bed and you spend the entire time worried about "performance" and "scoring", you're wasting the whole goddamned experience. Look, the point I'm making here is that our jobs structure our life enough as it is. Clear some time in your schedule, take a look around every once in a while, and remember what it was like to ENJOY things.
No, I don't mean right now. Please stop masturbating and get out of my office.