You may think that you can survive this Christmas with nothing but holiday spirit and eggnog, but you’re wrong – Christmas day is a landmine of awkward family moments and terrible gifts if you don’t take some precautions. Here is the ultimate guide on how to make it through baby Jesus’ birthday without throwing up all over the turkey and murdering a relative.
Drink at least a pint of milk on Christmas Eve
If you’re anything like me then chances are you’ll spend Christmas Eve hopelessly drunk, arms flung around the shoulders of your friends while you slur your way through The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”.
If you’re anything like me then chances are you’ll also wake up Christmas afternoon and find yourself forced to drunkenly inhale your dinner while The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York” plays on the radio in the background, a sore reminder of that double whiskey that disappeared down your throat at 11.00pm before promptly reappearing at 11.02pm.
Drinking at least a pint of milk before your Christmas Eve celebrations will line your stomach and, hopefully, prevent you from vomiting over your sprouts (not that they could taste any worse).
Work on a poker face for when you receive bad presents
There’s nothing worse than unwrapping an office mini-golf set and then feeling forced to react as if you’d just clasped your eyes on an Emporia Armani watch. Luckily I have invented a way in which you can successfully distract the gift giver from your obvious disappointment while making them believe that what they’ve bought you isn’t completely useless in the process.
After unwrapping said office mini-golf set (or whatever other shit they may have bestowed upon you) simply repeat this following sentence, filling in the blanks where applicable: “Wow, that’s so weird! Me and [blank] were just the other day discussing how much I could do with a [blank] to improve my [blank] in the [blank].” Foolproof.
Plan regular toilet breaks
Chances are that you’ve already stuffed your face throughout the duration of December (it’s winter, you’re allowed to look like a shored manatee), but the 25th of December in particular is a day that will see your Grandmother readjust her spectacles in horrified awe of your bloated physique – basically, you’re gonna need a bigger belt.
For many families the bountiful Christmas dinner is traditionally followed by jumping in the car and visiting older relatives. It’s difficult enough to muster up the energy to do this (especially when there are presents like office mini-golf waiting for you back at home) without carrying all that extra weight around with you – this is why it’s important to take some time out this Christmas to relieve yourself of a festive poo. I know it sounds crude but by doing so you’ll ensure that you won’t be accompanied by the faint stench of partially digested turkey and anus when you greet your grandparents.
Claim you’re ill, open your presents in bed and play Wii U all day.
At this time of year it seems that everyone is suddenly struck down with a curious case of the sniffles. Sure it’s cold outside, but c’mon – you mean to tell me that everyone has been struck down with this mysterious flu bug? Of course not. In fact, I bet only around 10% of the population is genuinely ill when they phone in sick to work during the month of December. The rest of us lazy bastards are just looking to begin our Christmas holiday sooner.
However, while the rest of the nation has spent the past week calling in sick to work, you’re going to do the unspeakable and pull a sicky on Christmas Day.
Imagine it – while your family are forcing themselves to socialise with each other, you can instead spend the day surrounded in torn wrapping paper and newly opened underwear, giggling maniacally at your dastardly scheme whilst merrily jumping on the foreheads of innocent Goombas in New Super Mario Bros U. It’s how Jesus would have wanted you to spend his birthday.
This article was originally published on 22/12/2011. It has been republished because the baby Jesus would've wanted it this way.
Photo Credit: ShutterStock/Andreas Gradin