The Unisex Guide to Breaking Up With Him/Her

We dissect your terrible relationship so you don't have to!

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Breaking up with someone is difficult, but don’t you find that hard tasks such as this seem much more conquerable if you’re given a little perspective?

In order to help you through crushing your partner’s heart/having your heart crushed by your partner, I have split a break-up into different parts – kinda like an anatomy of a doomed relationship – in order to ensure that you will find some comfort in knowing that you aren’t the only one binge-eating Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream, sobbing whilst watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.


Stage 1: Before the Break-Up

Girl: Prior to breaking up with her boyfriend she will have multiple, exhaustive phone conversations with her “besties” in which she’ll repeatedly outline her reasons for breaking up with him. They will immediately defend her decision regardless of how unwarranted it may be and feed her aspirational crap such as “you can do so much better than him, babe” and “you’ll find someone else, babe”.

Guy: Before deciding whether or not he should break up with her he will first weigh up his other opportunities. If he can’t think of at least one acquaintance who will have sex with him immediately after said break up he will then consider staying in their hellish relationship until another female expresses the slightest amount of interest in him.


Stage 2: Initiating the Break-Up

Girl: She’ll send him a text message along the lines of “I think we should talk”, before asking him to meet her in a coffee shop – if she breaks up with him in a public place then he won’t make a scene, right?

Guy: He acts indifferent to her for a lengthy period of time, refuses to answer her phone calls and is spending a lot more time with his friends. He is absolutely clueless as to how he should inform her that he no longer wants to be with her, so is instead hoping that if he ignores her for long enough she will eventually go away.


Stage 3: The Break-Up

Girl: She sits down in Starbucks with her grande mocha and explains that things aren’t working out and she thinks it’s best that they both see other people. After a minute or so of shameless grovelling, he finally lets go of his vice-like grip on her arm and allows her to leave the coffee shop. The other patrons stare at him with pity as he tries to prevent teardrops from falling into his cappuccino.

Guy: After he reaches the conclusion that in order to culminate a relationship you must actually inform the person that you’re in a relationship with that you are doing so, he deliberates between meeting her and calling her. However, after a good six-and-a-half minutes of deliberating, he decides that it would probably be for the best if he just sent her a simple text message explaining the situation. I mean, what’s the point in drawing this thing out?


Stage 4: The Aftermath

Girl: He contacts her frequently via Facebook, checking in on how she is doing and unsubtly attempting to prove to her that he is a changed man, attention which she revels in but doesn’t reciprocate. She briefly scans through photos that he is tagged in which pop up on her news feed, some of which involve him with his arm around other females, but as none of them are as attractive as she is she remains unphased.

Guy: After being gravely hurt and offended by him finishing with her via text message (who saw that coming?) she and all of her friends promptly delete him from every social networking site and proceed to ignore his very existence… until they start discussing how much of a dickhead he is.


Stage 5: 28 Days Later

Girl: She was happily enjoying the attention lavished upon her by him via Facebook chat when, suddenly, his messages stop flooding her inbox. Curious as to why he has refrained from desperately clawing at her for approval, she checks his profile and OMG HE IS GOING OUT WITH A DANCER. “How could he do this to me?!” she cries down the phone to her friend, who yet again takes the morally ambiguous stance of blindly agreeing with her. Next thing she’s tying up her hair and slipping into her running shorts – this dancer bitch isn’t the only one with who can bounce a penny off her buttocks!

Guy: After spending several nights stumbling from club to club and capitalising on every sexual opportunity that wandered into his path, one of his friends informs him that his ex-girlfriend has now found herself another guy. Coincidentally, upon hearing this he suddenly realises his true feelings for her, and vows to win her back!


Stage 6: 4 Months Later

Girl: She’s found someone new and has completely forgotten about her ex-boyfriend.

Guy: He’s found someone new and has completely forgotten about his ex-girlfriend.