Decoding the Facebook: Old People

Discover what your friends (old and young) are really trying to say!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Remember the good old days when Facebook was only availible to college kids and the whole point of having it was to see if you could try and hook up with the co-ed in your chemisty class? Not anymore. Now, anybody and everybody with an email address can join, including people that fondly remember the Eisenhower adminstration like it was yesterday. That's right! We're talking about old people. And they say some pretty funny sh*t on Facebook.

But we here at CRAVE have developed a useful little guide to help you discover what your friends are really trying to say via their status updates! This is DECODING THE FACEBOOK: OLD PEOPLE.


Beatrice (7 hours ago): My first Facebook post! My granddaughter tells me all my friends will see this! Now I really feel young at heart.

What they’re really trying to say: “I’m creating a fan-page for the cyst growing on my lower back.”


Mike (moments ago): 70 years ago, my Grandfather, John J. Samuelson, fought for this country and many others on the beaches of Normandy. Truly, today I am very proud to be an American.

What they’re really trying to say: “I can’t wait to get f*cking wasted with Sally and T-Bone tonight. I bet T shoves another roman candle in his ass. He’s crazy! AMERICA!!!”


Becky (yesterday): Just got back from taking Gam Gam to the zoo. What a great day with just the girls!

What they’re really trying to say: The monkeys weren’t the only things shitting their pants in the Primate House. That was a new blouse Grandma!


Gerald (5 hours ago): They raised the co-pay for my back medicine again. These g*ddamn insurance companies…

What they’re really trying to say: “I single-handedly killed 23 men at the Battle of the Bulge. Raise my rates again and I’ll turn Prudential into f*cking blood bath.”


Gertrude (6 hours ago): In my day we rewarded ourselves for hard work. People today just want to many handouts.

What they’re really trying to say: “I didn’t use condoms 40 years ago and I ain’t starting now!”


Hank (13 hours ago): Today Edna and I have been married for fifty years. Each one of them better than the last. Here’s to fifty more!

What they’re really trying to say: I swear to god, if I don’t die in my sleep tonight I’m stealing the Crown Vic and heading to Tijuana for the best cocaine and sweetest ‘tang in the world.


Darlene (15 minutes ago): Family reunion in Louisville this weekend. Someone’s gonna get themselves a heaping helping of Grandma Pattie’s potato salad.

What they’re really trying to say: “Someone’s gonna to have themselves a heaping helping of diarrhea.”


Frank (moments ago): With Dad and Grandpa Joe at Wrigley Field! Three generations of baseball fans together at last!

What they’re really trying to say: Really wish Grandpa would stop calling the Florida team a “bunch of dirty Mexicans.”


Cathy (3 hours ago): Celebrating Mom’s 98th birthday!

What they’re really trying to say: “Until she forgets and we have to do it again tomorrow!”


CRAVE ONLINE respects the elderly as our nations greatest natural resource. That and fake boobs.