Decoding the Facebook: Father’s Day!

  Trying to figure out what your friends are REALLY trying to say on Facebook? Find out now!  

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Do you have those friends who post obscure, dumb Facebook status updates when all you want to do is figure out what they’rereally trying to say? Luckily we here at CRAVE have developed a useful little guide to help you figure it all out.

Father’s Day is the time honored tradition of trying to please the emotionally distant parent in your life with offerings of neckties and golf lessons, when all the want is a fifth of mediocre Scotch and some goddamn silence for once. Well, now what we have Facebook, all of your friends can share ever single minute of dumb detail about their holiday. Truly, this is a Father’s Day for the ages!

Take a look:


Janine (yesterday): Happy Father’s Day to the best dad in the world that a girl could have!

What they’re really trying to say: Happy Father’s Day and thanks for enough emotional issues to keep me crying after sex for the rest of my life!


Zack (moments ago): Hey Dad, I just want you to know that I love you.

What they’re really trying to say: Remember when I played little league and you screamed at me for hours and hours and hours about not being able curve ball? Yeah, I remember that. The minute you retire, I’m putting your ass in Shady Acres.


Rachel (6 hours ago): Happy Father’s Day, especially to new daddy, my husband, Danny!

What they’re really trying to say: Your new baby daughter just sh*t her pants again. Let’s go ahead and clean that the f*ck up.


Ryan (8 hours ago): Hey dad, f*ck you this holiday. You suck and have never given my anything.

What they’re really trying to say: The Camaro I got for my birthday was RED, not ORANGE like I wanted! And that townhouse in college you bought me was only one story!  You selfish piece of sh*t.


Debbie (moments ago): Since I lost my Dad a year ago, not a day goes passed when I don’t miss him dearly. Happy father’s day, wherever you are!

What they’re really trying to say: It’s a lot easier beating yourself with a belt with two people.


Mike (about an hour ago): Taking my dad to the ballpark to celebrate Father’s Day. Let’s go!

What they’re really trying to say: Now, my dad can try a change of pace — by getting drunk and screaming at Dominicans in a stadium.


Trisha (3 hours ago): Skype chat to wish dad a happy Father’s Day!

What they’re really trying to say: That way he’ll never know that I’m eight months pregnant!


Danny (yesterday): To all of those who grew up with fathers, I wish you the best.

What they’re really trying to say: *silence… then the cocking of a handgun*


Monica (5 hours ago): What has two thumbs and loves her daddy? This girl!

What they’re really trying to say: What has two thumbs and has a tramp stamp in the shape of bullseye? This girl.