Decoding the Facebook: 4th of July Edition!

Find out what your friends are really trying to say on America’s Birthday!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Facebook allows us to display our thoughts, feelings, musings, and ramblings with the world instantly. Truly, this is a great age. But don’t you ever feel that despite the casual “status of the day” updates from your friends that you are missing out as to what they’re really trying to say?

Well, worry no more. We here at CRAVE have developed a useful little translation guide to help you in your deciphering skills. And, with the 4th of July around the corner everyone is ready for drinks, sunshine, and a much needed day off from work.

Take a look:


Katie (yesterday): A happy 4th of July to everyone! Enjoy the holiday!

What they’re really trying to say: “Like I need an excuse to drink heavily during a weekday, difference is this time I’m not hammered when I take the kids to school.”


Mike (8 hours ago): Went across state lines to get some so M80’s, mortar rounds, roman candles – you name it, we got it.

What they’re really trying to say: “One of these neighborhood cats is leaving with an extra anus tonight.”


Stacey (4 hours ago): So excited to have the family over the 4th!

What they’re really trying to say: “If I have to make or more deviled egg, or cut another slice of watermelon, I’m going open Aunt Mabel’s diabetic throat with a cheese grater.”


Steve (5 hours ago): I just want to say one thing – this is not the America our forefather’s intended! Go screw, Obama!

What they’re really trying to say: “I don’t understand a lot of the problems this country is facing, but I do know I like hot dogs, semi-automatic firearms, and the work of Larry the Cable Guy.”


Rachel (moments ago): It’s days like today that I’m proud to be an American.

What they’re really trying to say: “If that b*tch Patrice thinks I’m going to cover her shift at Chili’s, she’s, like, totally stupid. I requested off on the fourth on Brad’s calendar to go tubing with Jeff.  WTF. Patrice has been trying to switch shifts since Thursday so she can go to Bel Air with Todd.  F*ck her.”


Dan (6 hours ago): Hendrix, fireworks, George Washington, freedom, liberty, Coors light.

What they’re really trying to say: “I don’t care if I’m not drunk or not, my cousin is starting to look pretty attractive.”


Michelle (10 hours ago): Got the whole week off of work! Let the 4th of July celebration begin!

What they’re really trying to say: “Who’s going to be topless, puking tequila as Jimmy Buffet blares in the background? This girl.”


Patrick (9 hours ago): Just a quiet holiday at home.

What they’re really trying to say: “What’s the difference most people lighting off bottle rockets and me? Most people don’t attach one end to their penis.”


Jose (yesterday): Por que?

What they’re really trying to say: “Despite the fact that I was born in Duluth, this is the one day of the year people decide to egg my house. Man, it sucks being the only Mexico in Minnesota.”