I recently started a job where my main duty is to stay cognisant. That means awake. That means, not passed out drooling on my keyboard. That’s right, I’m on the graveyard shiftffffferefrff, WHEW! Wake up buddy!
There are a few problems you’ll run into before you get into the swing of your new flex schedule job. While totally awesome, the graveyard shift might also be the end of your sanity.
Here’s some things to look out for and how to survive them, depending on profession:
1. Seeing things that aren’t there
Bouts of staring at the wall listlessly will trick your mind into believing a lot of crazy “S”. And until your brain decides it’s not in a horrible, waking nightmare, it’s up to you to tell the difference between real and fake.
If you’re a railroad worker: Keep drinking. It kept the pain away before.
If you’re a video editor: Are you sure you’re not staring at the screen realizing how bad this film is?
If you’re working the fast food window: They’re your customers.
2. Can’t stay awake
I had a classmate in high school I think was a possum/human hybrid. And while able to blend in most of the time, I noticed it the most when he — I mean it— would pass out in one of the lockers hanging upside down. It was tired. What I’m saying is, you’re not a human/possum hybrid, be grateful.
If you’re a politico: Do more cocaine. The mirror is right next to the bill you need to pass through the Senate tomorrow.
If you’re a bouncer: Pick a fight with the shrimpiest guy trying to get into the club. Get your blood flowing.
If you’re an “artist”: You’ve slept enough during the day, Pollock. Get the coffee on.
3. Co-workers talk too much
Maybe you’re trying to focus on an important task, or you find their discussion of that mohawk guy from NASA is running itself in circles, or maybe Charlie’s voice is just a little too loud. Barring shutting them up Roadhouse style, you need to find a more “keeping your job” method to quiet them down.
If you’re a t.v. writer: Congratulations! This is your job!
If you’re border control: Change the subject. Talk about Non-Real Americans. Ah, there’s the hateful din you’re used to!
If you’re a sanitation worker: Say your father died last night. Men hate talking about emotions.
4. Skin becomes increasingly pale from lack of sunlight
Slowly your body has succumbed to a nightwalker-like glow. Even if you aren’t caucasian, I dare you to somehow get more Vitamin D now that you’re sleeping during the day and walking under the pale moon. No amount of delicious, government subsidized milk can save you now.
If you’re a musician: You don’t need the sun…when the sun is in her eyes. WRITE THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
If you’re a librarian: If you’re a girl, it makes you hotter. If you’re a guy, grow a beard to compensate.
If you’re a road worker: This will make you more visible at night!
5. Currently dying of boredom
It’s not your fault, it’s your job’s. While some midnight runs get to do cool stuff, you feel like you’re just sitting there, waiting as entropy slowly takes you.
If you’re an ambulance driver: Get proactive! START an accident.
If you’re dock worker: Start singing your favorite Elvis Costello song.
If you’re a CRAVE Online writer: Promote your twitter handle @cravesam when everyone is asleep. Surely you’ll break 110 followers someday.
GOOD LUCK! AND BE GRATEFUL YOU EVEN HAVE A JOB IN THIS ECONOMY!