Pro wrestling for me is kind of a religion. Which is perfect. Because like religion, pro wrestling will always have its stalwart followers that will never stray from the path, but most of us are “lapsed-fans” who remember when Jesus was cool and part of the New World Order.
But even for me, some of the wrestling ephemera has fallen through the cracks. That’s when I turn to my cousin, Happy T. Weller, for his crucial insight into the changing world and faces of the WWE and professional wrestling.
What follows is his verbatim review of World Wrestling Entertainment’s latest offering: Summerslam.
Please let him know in the comments or @cravesam how he did. He wants to be Spider-man when he grows up.
Chris Jericho V Dolph Ziggler
It’s hard to tell when 2 blond guys are fighting who the real guy is. But I don’t like the pink shirt guy because my school tells us to stay away from strangers like that. I liked all the flips. I think Jericho had his ribs taped cause he was hurting. I feel the same after my dad comes home. But taped ribs make him a half-mummy so I’m glad he won. HALF MUMMY WINS.
Kane V Daniel Bryan
Jason Vorhees versus Goat-Man! Awesome! There were a lot of kicks in this fight. I like kicks. Cause when you kick someone it means you don’t like them. My friend told me at recess that Kane’s mask is made from his other opponents skin. And Daniel is a Virgin and does not eat meat, so he should have boycotted this whole match. But he won with a roll-up. Then Kane got mad and killed someone backstage. GOAT MAN WINS.
The Miz (c) V Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental Title
I love Rey Mysterio! Cause he’s small and flippy like me! Except I’m not Mexican. Hopefully one day I can change my gender to Mexican. The Annoying Guy slammed Rey a lot but Rey used the power of Latinos to get the upper-hand until Annoying Guy hit him with the Skull Crushing Finale. BOOO I HATE IT. Annoying Guy wins. At least Rey was dressed like Batman. Mysterio is awesome. He gets to be Batman and a wrestler. WINNER IN MY HEART: REY MYSTERIO.
Sheamus (c) V Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship
My dad tells me not to trust the Irish, but I’m a progressive soup guy so I like She-mus anyway. Alberto has too much money and hates poor people. I think this match had deep meaning. She-mus is really strong and won but Alberto had his foot on the ropes. Does that mean She-mus is a cheater? I want to believe all my heros are good people. And then I ran out of kettle corn and cried a little. SHE-MUS WINS.
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (c) V The Prime Time Players for the Tag Team Championships
I don’t know why they are called prime time because RAW comes on past my bed time for me. That’s not “prime” “time”. I just started learning how to use “”. “Cool!”. I like Kofi cause he’s flippy and R-truth because he dances a lot and has an imaginary friend just like me. The “Prime Time” players were really mean and aggro but my favorite team won. I guess it’s because the bad guys wore pink shorts. FLIPPY GUY & R-TRUTH WIN.
CM Punk (c) V John Cena V The Big Show
OKAY. SO. CM Punk is a big jerk that hates not getting attention, WELL YOU’RE GETTING IT NOW cause you cheated to win and CHEATED John Cena out of beating the Big Show even though you did do nothing to deserve it at all EVER and YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED because HULK HOGAN wouldn’t have done that and I REALLY NEEDED TO PEE during this match cause I had finished MY TWO SODAS which I know you drink Pepsi all the time, PUNK, and I HATE THAT YOU LIKE THE SAME THING AS ME. Big Show was big. CM “WHAT A” PUNK WINS.
Triple H V Brock Lesnar
First of all the first, I didn’t know that babies like Brock could get that big. Man babies are scary and so is he. Especially because that bad guy from the Smurfs is his manager.
But he insulted HHH’s family so HHH had to lay the smack down. But Man Baby was too big for him. But at some point during the match up, Man Baby had to use the bathroom and looked all sick JUST LIKE I WAS A MINUTE AGO IN THE BATHROOM and HHH hit him a lot to make him sicker. But then Man Baby broke HHH’s arm and HHH had to go to the hospital. MAN BABY WINS.
Overall I had fun. But then I got home and ate ice cream with my dad. Who started crying and saying he was “sorry about something”. Dad’s are pretty funny sometimes.
I give Summerslam a 7 out of 5 star rating forever. Thanks Sam for letting me write to your website.