Remember when being cool in the 80's meant you have muscles upon muscles and you killed thousands of bad guys in the name of American freedom, and we thought it was just eating your vegitables and it turned out to be anabolic steriods? Remember how incredibly f*cking awesome that was!?! We here at CRAVE think it's time for a comeback.
And that comeback starts with you. Luckily, we here at CRAVE have designed a little quiz to help you figure out which 80's icon you take after most.
Fingers crossed for someone who can still headline a movie.
1. What would be your favorite way to kill a bad guy at the end of the third-act?
a.) Crush them in a car compactor.
b.) Beat them to death with your own fists.
c.) Spinning Roundhouse kick that decapitates them.
d.) Educate them on Native American land rights and then rip their heart out of their chest.
2. What would be your favorite way to make love to your costar?
a.) On the wings of an F-18 fighter jet.
b.) Don’t care as long as they ‘work the balls and crank the shaft.’
c.) In a shower. Always in a shower.
d.) Don’t really have sex in movies, your mistress is mother nature.
3. What would you like people call you since your career has dried up?
b.) “Half-understood mongoloid.”
d.) “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”
4. What would you like to be best known for other than acting?
a.) Politics and sexual harassment.
b.) Just ole’ fashioned sexual harassment.
c.) Doing the splits. And sexual harassment
d.) Putting on a massive amount of weight in a very short time while sexually harassing someone.
5. What kind of car do you most like to drive?
a.) An old muscle car.
c.) A Lamborghini Diablo.
d.) I ride on the backs of antelope and deciduous trees.
6. Years of anabolic steroid abuse have left your bones feeling:
7. What have you blown most of your savings on?
a.) Crappy restaurants.
b.) Crappy TV shows.
c.) Booze and cocaine.
d.) McDonalds and diabetes medication.
8. Who would you like to see reboot your old movies?
a.) Colin Farrell.
b.) Jason Mamoa.
c.) Adrian Brody. (yeah, we don't get it either)
d.) Will Sasso.
9. When you die, who would you like to see give your eulogy?
a.) The President.
b.) Mickey Rourke.
c.) Your daughter’s new father.
d.) The Hamburgler.
10. Who would you like to be your co-star in your one attempt at comedy?
a.) Danny Devito.
b.) Rob Schneider.
c.) Dennis Rodman.
d.) A beautiful Panda.
If you answered mostly (a), congrats! You are Arnold Schwarzenegger.
If you answered mostly (b), meh, you are Sylvester Stallone.
If you answered mostly (c), shit, you are Jean-Claude Van Damme.
If you answered mostly (d), we’re sorry to say, you’re Steven Seagal.