When Russell Brand got with Katy Perry you were baffled. You fell to your knees like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. Women like Katy Perry don't get with people like Russell Brand; they go out with people called Lance or Jason who have muscles carved out of stone and don't know the difference between 'their', 'there' and 'they're'.
But Katy Perry wasn't the only one who fell for Russell's charms; he was a walking erection before he married her, and he's still a walking erection now that he's divorced her. But how does he manage it? Well, fortunately for you, we have carefully dissected and examined his appearance / personality in order for you to study it and emulate it:
4. DO DRUGS AND THEN STOP DOING DRUGS, BUT STILL LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DOING DRUGS
Russell Brand's a former heroin addict, yet continues to sport the dishevelled attire and renaissance beard one would typically associate with someone who was still cooking spoons. That's not to say that every man with torn jeans and unkempt facial hair is a heroin addict, but let's face it; if it were not for Russell's international fame, it wouldn't be too much of a leap to imagine him slumped outside Ladbrokes with an emaciated labrador. To achieve his distinct look, think the Messiah after a trip to Camden.
3. DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL
Contrary to popular belief the consumption of alcohol does NOT boost your confidence; it simply turns off that part of your brain that suggests you shouldn't stand on a table and gyrate like a male escort. Russell Brand doesn't drink alcohol, and is therefore at a distinct advantage when it comes to coercing the opposite sex into sleeping with him when compared to drunks such as us. Learn from his ways. Stick to orange juice.
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2. BECOME ONE WITH THE EARTH
Russell Brand's a spiritual man. We know this because he does yoga and looks like Jesus.
He counter-balances his hyperactive on-screen persona that we know and love / loathe with a mellow lifestyle – no drink, no drugs, no shoes – and has ladies falling at his feet. Emulate this by becoming a follower of the sexiest religion: Buddhism.
1. HYNOTIZE WOMEN WITH SYNONYMS
An easy way to convince women that you're an intelligent and well-read individual is via your conversation; Russell Brand often employs an unnecessary synonym or two into his, so why can't you? For example, if you were to ask a girl you like from your office out on a date, you would likely ask her whether she would like to accompany you for a drink after work. Not Russell. Russell would explain to her how "time is finite" and how she should "inject spontaneity into the veins of her life", and that he wishes to "bask in the irradiant glow" of her beauty. You may think it pretentious, but remind yourself; this man slept with Katy Perry. KATY PERRY.
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Header Image, Photo 3: WENN.com
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