CONTENT OF TRAILERS PROBABLY NSFW (DON'T WATCH WHILE ON THE JOB)
I am just now getting into older Japanese cinema. Akira Kurosawa, Toshiro Mifune, yeah, I guess pretty much anything with samurai in it. And I am loving it!
However, among classics filled with brilliant artistry, there must also be some completely insane martial arts films from the 70's I NEED to see. So thank you Sonny Chiba for existing because oh my god, your films look like they're off the chain.
Lets look at the trailers for these grindhouse epics and break them down step by step:
THE STREET FIGHTER (1974)
:17 What causes "half-breed fury"? Resentment of parentage? Culture? We may never know.
:28 PUNCHED SO HARD IN THE FACE ALL THE TEETH FALL OUT
1:00 That's the same face I make when I open a peanut butter jar
1:07 In the future, they'd be able to schedule that time using Google docs
1:20 That's a presidental platform I'd endorse. I hate punks.
1:45 PUNCHED SO HARD HIS SKULL BECAME A GHOST
THE BODYGUARD (1976)
:02 Opening with a tribute to The Godfather on the same court steps as Tim Burton's Batman? Bold.
:28 That's right ladies, Chiba's in a three piece suit. He'll casually watch while some guy mugs you…
:46 …UNTIL HE RIPS OFF THEIR ARM THROUGH A DOOR!
1:17 Sonny Chiba won't drop a blunt just to kill a guy. That's ice cold, Chiba.
1:52 Japanese Elvis Prestley gets his comeuppance I'm sure
2:04 I hope that soundtrack plays every time he's on screen in this flick
2:24 To be fair, the whore-flooded gutters of NY have gotten A LOT better
3:03 Proving that yes, you can jump a car to the beach!
3:13 EYE GOUGE! CHIBA HATES DEPTH PERCEPTION!
THE EXECUTIONER (1978)
:04 OPENING WITH A SEX SCENE THAT IMMEDIATELY BECOMES FIGHT SCENE
:25 Chiba punches him so many times the editors were like "F it" and they put the title there anyway
:49 I didn't know Rico Suave was in this picture!
1:02 Suck it Ong-Bak! Chiba's got you beat by like forty years!
1:38 I just realized all these freezes are on purpose… I guess so we can catch our breath in between beatings.
2:00 Yeah, that is definitely a ninja in a cabbie hat killing Phillip Seymour Hoffman in another sex scene
2:09 Chiba proves a real actor rolls right into the dramatic scene only after punching everyone in the room
BONUS! CHIBA KILLS A BULL WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
WARNING, THIS IS PRETTY BLOODY NEAR THE END.
Before you cry out to the animal cruelty lobby know this, that bull is an actor. It's the bull's character that almost killed that baby but definitely killed that dock worker so you know he had it coming. What I'm saying is that this bull is no Ferdinand.
You know, Ferdinand? Aww, c'mon people, get educated!
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