Guy Problems: Am I Doing Sex Wrong?

You're trying your best, but why can't you satisfy her?

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

In this new, irreverent and uncomfortably condescending column, I'll attempt to solve the most common guy problems as if I have any authority to do so other than me being the one paid to write and you being the one distracted from whatever you were doing long enough to read my ramblings.

This week's Guy Problem: Am I Doing Sex Wrong?

For a man who has spent much of his life watching other people penetrate each other via, you've somehow found yourself becoming worried that all this time you might've been doing sex wrong. Your lover rolls over listlessly in bed after you've ejaculated. Her dead-eyed, unflinching stare as you hump her makes you feel like you're shagging your accountant. You once thought that you had brought her to the point of climax, until she later revealed that it was just a particularly enthusiastic sneeze. Why can't you satisfy her?

Your inability to please her is due to one of three things:


THING NUMBER ONE: You're mistaking her for a pornstar.

The key difference between the sex that girls who work in the porn industry have and the sex that girls who don't work in the porn industry have is that regardless of how the male performs, girls who work in porn are obliged to at least look like they're enjoying it. This must be a chore when porn sex largely revolves around the male shoving his penis into the female as hard and as fast as possible, an experience which I imagine feels like having an appointment with a gynaecologist who suffers with Parkinson's; some men who watch porn are therefore under the assumption that the best sex is the sex where their treatment of their partners' vagina verges on GBH.


THING NUMBER TWO: You take advice from magazines.

Remember magazines? They're like the internet, only innocent trees are killed to make them. If you've read a magazine recently, chances are that you've stumbled across an article or two that intends to enlighten you on the subject of improving your sex life. Tips I have personally read include rubbing cold marbles along your partner's genitals, and licking your partner's anus before blowing on it. Sex advice in magazines is written by people who have ran out of ways to write "stimulate her clitoris" and should never, ever be employed by a living human being.


THING NUMBER THREE: You're playing it too safe/being too weird.

Unlike self-assembly wardrobes and computer software, a woman's vagina does not come with a manual. This in and of itself is proof that we are products of evolution and not creation, as no right-minded omnipotent being would ever make such an unnecessarily complex contraption without providing some form of instructional booklet. As you have likely been informed a myriad of times, "every woman is different" – this is another way of saying "some women draw the line at light spanking, whilst other women like it when you treat the bedroom as though it were a UFC pay-per-view". If whomever you're having sex with appears bored/terrified, tone it down/turn it up a notch. If they call the police, then at least you'll know for next time.

Read last week's Guy Problem: Why Am I Still Single?!

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