Did you buy your Amazing Spider-Man Blu-ray today? It's out there, and you can finally watch Spider-Man fight the Lizard in a feature length motion picture, if somehow you missed it in theaters. Spider-Man has one of the largest rogues galleries in comics, large enough that director Marc Webb's next movie, the fifth theatrical Spider-Man motion picture, can highlight a villain never-before-seen on the big screen: Max Dillon, the electrifying electricity-powered Electro, possibly being played by Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx. That got us thinking… how many of Spider-Man's villains could work in a theatrical release, anyway? Once Sony runs out of Kraven the Hunters, Rhinos and Black Cats, which Spider-Man villains will be left? And just as importantly, which of Spidey's arch-nemeses are too strange to even consider headlining a blockbuster movie?
We think we've got the answers. Here are Five Spider-Man Villains You Will Never See On-Screen.
Yes, Spider-Man fought a sentinel. And not just any sentinel… a Tri-Sentinel, with three heads and six arms and only two legs (because six legs would just be silly). To explain this one, we're going to have to take you all the way back to 1990. Marvel was approaching the end of its an over one-year long crossover event called "Acts of Vengeance," in which all of the world's supervillains decided to trade nemeses, so Daredevil fought Ultron, The Punisher faced off against Dr. Doom and so on. It was actually a very good crossover event, and at the center of it all as Spider-Man, who at the start of "Acts of Vengeance" received mysterious, Superman-like powers including flight and Hulk-level strength. But why? It turns out that Spider-Man had received the powers of "Captain Universe," which gave worthy heroes the abilities necessary to stave off the most perilous dangers in the universe. That danger was… the Tri-Sentinel, a big giant robot who wrecked New York City. Huh. That's not so bad, really. Makes you wonder where those powers were when Galactus showed up.
In any case, Tri-Sentinel will never show up a Spider-Man movie because that "Captain Universe" storyline should never see the light of day again, and because Fox owns the rights to the mutant-hunting sentinels anyway, along with the rest of the X-Men universe.
"I like my Spider-Man villains like I like my women… COVERED IN BEES!!!"
– Eddie Izzard (paraphrased)
Lots of Spider-Man villains are based on animals, and we suppose bees are pretty unnerving (particularly if you're allergic), but Swarm is more than a guy in a bee suit. He's bees. His whole body, nothing but bees. Oh, and he's a Nazi. Yup, Fritz von Meyer was a Nazi scientist who was eaten by mutant bees (!), and whose consciousness then emerged throughout the entire swarm. It's a CGI animator's nightmare, and a stupid idea in and of itself, even though he does look really cool in that fabulous purple cape. The real question is, where does he make the honey? The world may never know… or want to.
Hey folks, remember the 1970's? Antoine Delsoin does, because that's when the lead singer of the pop group "The Mercy Killers" learned how to turn his guitar into a hypnosis device, amplify it with his backup singers and, just for the hell of it, put knockout gas in his boots. The Hypno-Hustler has been a recurring joke in the Marvel Universe for decades, and with good cause. Look at the guy. Listen to his name. Now, imagine anyone thinking that basing a movie on this guy is a good idea. How this villain has been stayin' alive since 1978 is anybody's guess.
The only time a big wheel has ever been scary was when little Danny Torrance rode one down the halls of the Overlook Hotel in The Shining and ran into those creepy ghost twins. So unless Stanley Kubrick comes back from the dead, and wants to direct a Spider-Man movie of all things, you can bet your spokes that this Spider-Man villain is never getting a movie of his own. Embezzler Jackson Weele (sigh…), who was being blackmailed by Rocket Racer (an honorable mention if there ever was one), so he paid the high-tech Tinkerer to build him a giant unicycle with seat inside it and mounted turrets. It's ridiculous to look at and impossible to realize on-screen. Where does Big Wheel park that thing anyway? The Spider-Mobile was less conspicuous than this guy.
Let's face it… Typeface puts the "comic" back in "comic sans."
I mean, can you imagine? Can you imagine Andrew Garfield facing off against a guy covered in razor-sharp letters, intent on menacing New York City? Can you imagine anyone other than Nicolas Cage playing him? Because we can't. Gordon Smith made signs – you know, like for "Papyrus" stores – before he was laid off. A disgruntled army vet, he naturally took his deadly skills and turned supervillain. But instead of using all those guns and explosives he learned about in the military, he fights with "P's" and "Q's." We think Spider-Man fans all over the world would mind those P's and Q's if Typeface ever wound up in a summer blockbuster. He's the ridiculous Spider-Man villain from hell… vetica.
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