4 People You Should Avoid When You’re Drunk

It's a minefield out there. Here's our guide to help you avoid the biggest explosions.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Being drunk makes it a lot easier to meet new people because your inhibitions are lowered and you're a lot less worried about looking like a fucking idiot, which is what you spend most of your waking life trying to avoid doing when you're sober. However, unless you're an alcoholic, chances are that when you're drunk everyone else around you is drunk too, and other people being drunk is the worst. Here are 4 such drunk people who you should avoid at all costs.


The Vomiting Girl

Her stomach lining is splattered across the dancefloor like some weird experimental artwork. The rain has caused her spray tan to run down her body leaving her looking like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. She's spent the past hour sprawled across the floor in the smoking area, crying because her boyfriend told her that she was too drunk. Before you politely inform her that he may have a point, and suggest that she go home before she becomes nothing but a gelatinous blob of fake tan, mascara and regret, consider this: do you want to be the one who has to carry her to a taxi?


The Disproportionately Angry Bloke

It's winter and he's wearing a vest. You should need no other reason to stay away from him. While his night starts off relatively unexceptional (the amount of time he has spent making his forearms as wide as his neck has coincidentally made him not that much of a conversationalist), make no mistake that the Disproportionately Angry Bloke will conclude his night by being disproportionately angry. Whether it's because you happened to maintain eye contact with him whilst waiting at the bar, or because you dress/speak/act/breathe in a way that leads him to suspect you may be a homosexual, the Disproportionately Angry Bloke is a ticking time-bomb of engorged biceps and pent-up sexual frustration, and must be avoided at all costs.


The Sex Pest

Guided only by his penis and an insatiable desire for social affirmation, when he's not using his heat-seeking genitalia to prey on the lonely, the Sex Pest will likely be found by the bar, informing anyone with a functioning pair of ears of who he's shagged, who he's going to shag and who he wants to shag. Getting caught up in a conversation with the Sex Pest will result in a lengthy, almost pornographic description of his past 5 sexual encounters before he slinks off into the darkness of the night, like Jack The Ripper only a bit more rapey.


The Hazardous Drunk

"Y'know what would be really funny? If you set me on fire." The Hazardous Drunk has a penchant for concocting ridiculous scenarios in which to turn a night out from mediocre to potentially illegal, many of which result in him being set on fire. While it was initially quite the enjoyable distraction to witness him climb up a lamppost, or jump off a really high wall, or walk directly into oncoming traffic with his trousers around his ankles, eventually the joke wears a little thin and you're forced to consider whether you really want to go to a funeral of a guy who died because he set his pubic hair alight.

Paul Tamburro is the UK Editor of Crave Online. Follow him on Twitter @PaulTamburro