A Man’s Christmas Survival Guide

Christmas can be tough if you aren't prepared.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

It's almost that time of year again. That time of year where your bank balance drops and your stomach expands and you don't want to go to work for fear of developing a dangerous case of man flu due to the plummeting temperatures outside. Yes, it's Christmas time, folks, and we've got you covered with this helpful survival guide. Here's what you should do and what you shouldn't do to ensure that your Christmas festivities go swimmingly.


Keep Your Guests Occupied

Chances are that a few of the people encircling your dining table on Christmas Day haven't seen each other in a while, or maybe have never even met before. There may be distant cousins, friends of the family, new girlfriends, new boyfriends, estranged meth head brothers – there is always the potential for unwanted awkwardness. As the host it is your job to ensure that your guests do not sit in prolonged tense silence, so why not get them chatting with a board game or some other form of entertainment? Get everyone into teams and play a game of Pictionary, or maybe even force your senile Nan to swivel her hips on the Wii Fit while everyone points and laugh at her. 


Don't Do Pre-Arranged Seating

No matter how much of a good idea you may think pre-arranged seating is, just know that it is not. No one likes to sit and eat next to someone they don't really know/like, and forcing these awkward situations will only lead to everyone secretly resenting you for doing so. No one wants to sit next to your estranged meth head brother, so don't  force them to do so.


Don't Make After-Dinner Food

After ploughing through Christmas dinner it is likely that the majority of your guests will either want to go to sleep or go to the toilet, but they are instead obligated to linger around for a few rounds of Pictionary and ritual Nan humiliation. You may be inclined to host a buffet of sorts, then, in order to help your guests while away the hours by pushing them closer towards an impromptu cardiac arrest, but DON'T DO IT. No one wants to leave your humble abode looking 7 months pregnant with remnants of Doritos covering their unsightly knitted Christmas jumpers.


Keep a High Supply of Alcohol 

As with any formal social event, the best way to get through it is with copious amounts of alcohol. This should not be forgotten at Christmas time. While your relatives may sit in stoic silence whilst sober, if you ply them with enough Smirnoff then chances are you won't even need to host an awkward game of Pictionary or force your Nan to simulate skiing on the Wii Fit, as everyone will be far too plastered to care who they're with or what they're doing. Also, if you make them start drinking early, they may not even realise how much of a terrible cook you are, and will be completely undeterred by the dangerously undercooked turkey sitting on the plate before them. 

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