As someone who is not in possession of a vagina, there are some questions I have concerning the opposite sex that I have yet to learn the answers to. Click through the gallery below in order to read them and feel free to answer them in the comments section below.
Note: Turn off AdBlock to view the gallery!
1. What happens when you go to the bathroom?
I know what happens when you go to the toilet - I am moderately aware of the female anatomy - but what I don't understand is why the seemingly routine procedure of urinating into a ceramic bowl takes such a vast amount of time.
For men, a visit to the bathroom is nothing more than an inconvenience, but for women a visit to the bathroom can be an event. They go in pairs, like denizens of Noah's Ark but without the hooves, and emerge 8 minutes later looking more glamorous than they did when they went in. What are they hiding in there?
2. Why do you try on clothes that you aren't going to buy?
My girlfriend's favourite pastime is locking herself in the changing rooms and trying on clothes that she has no intention of buying. That this hobby of hers typically forces me to wait outside said changing rooms seems to be of no concern to her, as while members of staff suspiciously eye me up in order to deduce whether I'm a hapless boyfriend or a perverted voyeur, she's happily trying on different sizes of the same playsuit.
3. If being funny is the first thing you look for in a man, why does no one want to sleep with Seth Rogen?
Seth Rogen isn't the most attractive of men. With hair that looks like it belongs more on an unkempt ballbag than it does a human head, he isn't likely to be challenging Ryan Gosling in the "Man Most Women Want to Dry Hump Until They Rub a Hole Into His Trousers" Awards anytime soon. But why not?
You'll often hear of women citing humour as the most attractive quality in a man, yet I can't remember Ryan Gosling telling a single joke in any of his movies. Granted, I've only seen Drive, and in that movie he doesn't do much more than smile and... er... drive, but my point remains: if funny is such a big selling point for you girls, then why don't you want Seth Rogen to build you a house?
4. What is the big deal about shoes?
When I was but a young lad, my nan told me that the first thing a woman notices about a man is his shoes. I now know this to not be true, of course, as there are far more things a woman could potentially notice about a man than his choice of footwear. An unsightly mole, for example, would be far more noticeable than a poorly polished winklepicker, as would a silly walk. They would also notice his horrible habit of loudly clearing his throat, or his bad haircut, or his brash racism. My point is that there are far more noticeable things about a man than his shoes.
But women do appreciate a shoe, and this appreciation is lost on me as I see shoes as nothing more than a layer of material protecting my beloved toes from the dastardly gravel. However, I'm a man who once proudly sported a pair of beige loafers, so perhaps my ambivalent attitude towards shoes says more about me than it does anyone else.
5. Why duckface?
I empathise with women who "duckface" when being photographed. While I don't consider myself to be an unattractive guy, there's so much shit going on with my face that it's practically unphotographable. I have the nose of a Roman soldier, the lips of Mick Jagger after headbutting a beehive and eyebrows that resemble two caterpillars having a conversation. In person, this combination works reasonably well, but cameras seem intent on portraying me as if all of my features have been poorly photoshopped onto my face.
A few women who are also seemingly as intolerant of cameras as myself practise the "duckface" in order to combat this, squeezing their cheeks together and pushing out their lips as if their face is being sucked through a crack in an airplane window. I'm not entirely sure how this is supposed to make them appear to be more photogenic, but I can sympathise with their reasoning behind doing it.