Unless you've been in a coma for the past couple of days (in which case, lucky you), you've probably heard something about this Royal Baby. Unless you're the kind of lunatic who made the journey down to Buckingham Palace upon hearing the news of Kate Middleton going into labour, chances are you don't really care about what the Duchess of Cambridge has squeezed out of her uterus. If that's the case, then here are 5 tips for avoiding hearing about the newly born future King.
1. Don't talk to old women.
Old women f***ing love the Royal Family because they were around in an era when the Royal Family still had some semblance of relevancy. Over the next few days old women will spice up their typical conversations about the weather and how them Muslims/Polish are stealing our jobs with talk of how LOVELY Kate Middleton seems and how CUTE the Royal Baby is. Avoid overhearing them by steering clear of charity shops and Post Offices.
2. Turn off the news.
At this moment in time every UK news channel from BBC to Sky is providing around-the-clock coverage of Babygeddon without even the slightest hint of irony. As tourists and people with nothing better to do wait outside Buckingham Palace in order to catch a glimpse of their dribbling and shitting supreme leader, news crews are falling over themselves to discuss potential baby names, give advice to Kate Middleton and generally report on anything that isn't actually news. Turn off your TV.
3. Avoid reading newspapers.
Nobody buys newspapers anymore, but the Royal Baby has given outlets such as The Sun (who have renamed their paper to 'The Son' today in order to celebrate the future King's birth - I am not joking) the opportunity to print special 'souvenir' editions for people to buy, so that those people can then one day show their grandchildren a newspaper from the day the Royal Baby was born. Unfortunately, their grandchildren will be too busy shooting each other in the skull in Call of Duty 52 to care.
4. Don't go on Facebook or Twitter.
"Aww I bet the royal bby is cute xoxo", writes Melissa. "LOVE MY COUNTRY LOVE MY KING ENGLAND TIL I DIE GOD SAVE THE KING", tweets Gareth. "Your all chattin bout the royal baby n forgettin whats rly important - MUSLIM EXTREMISTS BRINGIN SHARIA LAW TO BRITAIN", posts Dave. Step away from the internet.
5. Don't talk to strangers.
When you was a child you didn't talk to strangers in case they pulled you into their van, but nowadays you don't talk to strangers because of the awkward conversations that inevitably ensue. As humans, we have default conversation topics which we use in order to attempt to form common ground with people we don't know very well. One such default topic is current events, and there's no event more current than the birth of the future King. As a child, the danger with talking to strangers was that they were going to offer you candy and touch your special place. Now it's that they're going to talk to you about the monarchy.
Photo: Getty Images