The Walking Dead Season 5 Episode 1 Reviewed By Someone Who’s Never Watched It

'I can tell that the Jesus-looking dude named Rick is in charge due to the way the group talks to him in uncertain yet hopeful tones and also he is on the front of all the posters and DVDs. '

Mitch Feltscheerby Mitch Feltscheer

Crave Online Australia’s Creative Content Director Mitch Feltscheer is a self-professed “little bitch” who has never seen an episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ as it contains zombies and he once got scared watching a particularly tense anti-speeding commercial and thus avoids anything remotely related to the horror genre. 

To celebrate the release of ‘The Walking Dead’ Season 5 on DVD, we got him to review the season premiere. 


 

We open on a ragtag group of zombocalypse survivors trapped in a shipping container. Oh my look at these disparate individuals forced to work together in the face of near-overwhelming odds as society itself crumbles around them. I assume…

I can tell that the Jesus-looking dude named Rick is in charge due to the way the group talks to him in uncertain yet hopeful tones and also he is on the front of all the posters and DVDs. Jesus is gonna mess up whoever put them in this container in this sudden, unnecessary flash forward (Is this a thing? Does every episode time-hop? It’s very disconcerting to a new viewer please inform them to stop) but WOOPS he gets gassed and taken to a trough by bad guys who then gruesomely Red-Wedding a bunch of dudes’ throats for no apparent reason and theres a zombie (?) on a table and a real cute boss evil guy and I am very, very confused.

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“When do you bring out the apples for bobbing? Oh… oh no.”

 

Next we see the old lady from Dante’s Peak and a super chill African-American dude who looks straight out of a 1960s Black Panther meeting walking along train tracks with a baby when suddenly BOOM ZOMBIES! My first zombie you guys! … and this isn’t even slightly scary. I mean it’s daytime. Get your shit together Walking Dead.

They stumble upon a dude setting up fireworks, which is a fucking great idea considering we just learned zombies are attracted to loud noises. This dude will be super dead super soon. They tie him up then G-ma goes off to find the herd (they call a pack of zombies a herd and not a “brains trust”? JFC Walking Dead writers…) by putting on black face because zombies refuse to eat racist arseholes I guess. Turns out she’s a freaking badass and blows a fuck ton of zombies up and becomes my favourite character in this show, despite her bigotry.

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Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s zombie blood.

 

Shit is going DOWN at this Terminus place. G-Ma is all undercover and like “sup fellow zombies, just me, another zombie ambling along, how good are brains am I right?” like a boss and busting kneecaps and shit. I love her dearly.

Jesus and his brother (?) are also smooshing heads left, right and centre until Ricksus dashes off on his own, just like he always does, I assume. They rescue Akubra Hat boy, Ginger WWE Wrestler, Mullet Stephen Seagal (who wants to bring the zombie cure to Obama) etc. and they graphically dismember multiple zombies and escape fairly comfortably because the zombies in this show are pretty damn pathetic tbh.

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“The cure to zombies is in my mullet. Shhh”

 

Back at Baseball Cap’s shanty hut my epic prognostic skills are proven when he turns out to be a complete turd monster and threatens to SNAP A BABY’S NECK. Holy shit, this show is all sorts of fucked up. Luckily Black Panther massacres some zombies with his bare hands and pulverises Baseball Cap dude’s redneck face and at this point I am exhausted from all this violence.

With the zombies mostly Wolverine-clawed in the head, the reunited gang of misanthropes hug it out and respective family members share emotionally beautiful moments together, although I have no idea who is related to whom. I guess at the end of the day, they’re ALL family.

*ukelele version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow fades in*.

Overall I actually really enjoyed this episode, despite a fuck-all understanding of why and how and even where. The production quality is outstanding and the gore is so spectacular, it totally soothes the constantly building blood-rage I feel creeping over me each and every day.

Oh also there was some post-credit scene where some old mate revealed himself to the audience. THAT GUY! I HATE/LOVE HIM YAAAAAS! 

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“Yes, I have returned, it is me, the very important man you weren’t expecting.”

 

The Walking Dead Season 5 is available now on DVD/Blu-Ray and you can grab it here.