I was asked to come up with a list of the top 10 things I’d do if I were in London right now competing for an Olympic medal. First things first, unless they started counting either number of sprained ankles in a game of H-O-R-S-E as a sport, the likelihood of me qualifying for the Olympic are about as likely as Mike Tyson marrying Lolo Jones. With that said, here’s my Top 10.
#10. London Helicopter
I’d start off my Olympic experience by taking an hour-long tour of London by helicopter. These tours go for about 150 pounds a pop and will give me the birds-eye view of all the big sites I’ve got to see while in London. Don’t worry how many dollars that is … I won’t be paying. CraveOnline is picking up the tab for my Top 10 list. Hey, it’s all in the name of work.
#9 Bela Karolyi
Next, I’d search out a man I’ve always admired for some lunch. That’s Bela Karolyi, the long-time coach of the women’s gymnastics team that migrated to the U.S. from Romania. If you’ve ever heard him talk, you know why. This guy is a wild canon. He’s passionate. He’s purposeful and he definitely lives life to the fullest.
#8. Wet Willy LeBron James
After breaking bread with Bela, I’d head over to catch-up with the U.S. Basketball team. I’d surprise them while sleeping on their bus and hand-out a monster Wet Willy to LeBron James. After he woke up in shock and horror, I’d congratulate him on his first ring and then convince him to hold my phone and record me as I cut off Harden’s Beard.
#7 Track & Field 1-Mile Run
It’s a well-known fact (in my own mind) that I was quite the mile-runner in high school. I’d definitely have to go down and jog a couple of laps with Leo Manzano who won the U.S. Olympic trials in the 1500 meters in Eugene, OR earlier this year with a blistering 3:35.
#6 Sacha Baron Cohen
Next I’d track down my favorite English comedian, Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) and convince him to create a new character that was an Irish gymnast with a twin. I’d be the twin and we’d have Bela vouch for us (because now Bela and I are buds), so that we could crash the men’s gymnastics competition. Sacha and I would shoot footage for his latest movie entitled “The O’Flanagans Take London By The Short And Curlies.”
#5 Prince Harry
With my newfound fame from my Sacha movie, Prince Harry’d clearly contact me. He’s the partier in the English royalty and he’d definitely want to hang with an American bloke like me. Prince Harry and I would hit the Smithfield Pub Crawl. This is located in the historic meat market where Hank (as I’d soon be calling him) and I would chase skirts with a Top 100 Worst English Pickup Lines list I’d print off the Internet just for the occasion.
#4 Panty Raid Leryn Franco’s Olympic Apartment
I’d have to ditch Prince Harry and go on a solo mission to raid Paraguay’s Leryn Franco’s panty drawer. Franco is the javelin thrower that has been regarded as the hottest brunette bombshell in the Olympic games. A few pics and you’ll understand why. Oh, and be jealous because I’ll have those panties framed and hanging about my mantel.
#3 Ryan Seacrest Interview
After my historic panty raid of Leryn Franco, Ryan Seacrest, who is in London covering the games for NBC, would certainly want to interview me. I would oblige on the condition the he pull all the strings he has at E! and get “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” forever banned. Yes, I am a humanitarian at heart.
#2 Phelps vs. Lochte
Next I’d head over to the Aquatic Center to catch Michael Phelps go head-to-head with Ryan Lochte. I think this is Lochte’s Olympics and would console Phelps after getting the silver with a massive joint rolled to be the size of a baseball bat. Then, when he started smoking it, I’d confess it was filled with…..
#1 Johnny Mac is Back
Then I’d grab Johnny McEnroe away from Bob Costas and we’d head over to where the ping-pong was being played. Johnny Mac and I would have to go head-to-head in a best of 15 competition. Leryn Franco would come over looking for her panties because by now word would get out that I had stolen them, but when confronted Franco would become enamored with our ping pong battle and the fact that Sacha, Prince Henry, Bela, Phelps, and the entire U.S. basketball team had showed up to watch. She’d stay as our official referee.
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