Saleh (The Air Up There)- Saleh, African basketball star, attended St. Joe's. Despite being raw, he averaged 13 ppg and a ridiculous 4 block shots per game his freshman season. However, midway through his sophomore season, the NCAA opened up an investigation into St. Joe's basketball coach, Jimmy Dolan's recruitment of Saleh. It was eventually discovered that Saleh had accepted illegal benefits of three goats and 14 chickens.
Saleh was immediately ruled ineligible for the rest of the season. That summer, Saleh entered the NBA Draft and was selected by the Milwaukee Bucks in the 2nd round. He played one season with the Bucks, participating in 53 games and sporting averages of 4 ppg, 4 rpg, and 1 bpg. After his rookie season, he was released but later signed with the Washington Bullets but didn't find much success. The biggest highlight of Saleh's career was a dunk over Mugsy Bogues in which Saleh jumped from a foot behind the free throw line but came up short and before he landed, his Reebok pumps used Bogue's face to propel him to the basket. The dunk electrified the crowd but Bogues lost two teeth and had a collapsed lung. Saleh, confident, from the famous dunk and a one episode stint on MAD TV, tried another improbable dunk. This time from the three point line.
Saleh had made a promise to reporters that if he were to get in the game that night against the Houston Rockets, he would posterize Kevin Willis. Many found it strange that he picked Kevin Willis instead of Hakeem Olajuwon, but it was typical of Saleh's confusion. During an interview in the summer of Saleh's rookie season, he had promised to take down the President of Basketball, Wayne Gretzky. As Saleh entered the game, it only took about three minutes until he got the ball on a fast break and tried to jump from half court to dunk over Kevin Willis but fell short at the three point line, shattering every bone in his left leg ending his basketball career.
Out of basketball, Saleh's life found darkness as he went back to Africa. Saleh became a dangerous leader in blood diamonds. The last anyone heard was when his name came up as a suspect in the plot to kidnap Manute Bol.
Rick Vaughn (Major League) (pictured above)- Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn became a baseball phenomenon on the field and off the field. Mostly known for his bad boy antics, skull and crossbones rimmed glasses, and a fast ball known as The Terminator. Vaughn burst onto the scene with the Cleveland Indians after a stint in prison for Grand Theft Auto. His first season with the Indians, he finished with a 3.50 ERA, 12 wins, 9 losses, and a surprising playoff appearance despite owner, Rachel Phelps gutting the team and trying to move the club to Miami. Vaughn had a sophomore slump where his fastball dropped from 96 mph to 85 mph. Vaughn started doing Grey Poupon commercials and dating models. Manager Lou Brown sent Vaughn to the clubhouse to get his attention. It eventually worked as Vaughn bounced back in the playoffs, striking out MLB HR leader Jack Parkman in Game 7 of the ALCS to get the save and send Cleveland to its first World Series since 1954.
Despite a 3.83 ERA and a 9-11 record, the hype surrounding Vaughn's game winning save attracted a ton of lucrative offers in free agency that winter. The Dodgers, Mets, Yankees, Angels, and Rangers all pursued Vaughn. The city of Cleveland even tried to sell half of the Cleveland Cavaliers just to match the offers Vaughn was receiving. The speculation became so intense that Vaughn disappeared for a couple of months and hid in the jungles of Vietnam. Upon arriving back into Cleveland, Rick Vaughn held a press conference at Jake Taylor's Bar n' Grill which would be known around Cleveland as 'The Choice.' As cameras flashed and as bikers embraced in arm pit sweat, Vaughn stepped to the podium and pulled a New York Yankees hat from behind and put it on. The hate and anger was immediate and Vaughn had to be ushered out right away.
Vaughn's career in New York was like a woman going through menopause. One minute he was hot, the next minute he was cold, and the Yankee faithful often grew tired of the inconsistency. In his first year with the Yankees as a starter, he was red hot, re-gaining his speed, going 20-6 with a 2.50 ERA and 210 K's while winning the AL CY Young. He would never match that season again. Two seasons later, he would miss the entire season due to Tommy John surgery. The Wild Thing's desire to throw heat had finally caught up to him. He would return midway through the next season, showing promise by leading the AL in strikeouts in the month of July only to be suspended by the MLB due to testing positive for an unknown substance. The unknown substance was a mixture of bee killer, cough medicine, with a touch of steroids. Vaughn would be suspended up until the playoffs. He would make his return in Game 6 of the World Series vs Atlanta.
Up 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, with runners on 2nd and 3rd, "Wild Thing" hit the speakers and played throughout the arena. Vaughn walked from the bull pen and stepped to the mound, he threw three pitches, all strikes. Finally, he had won a World Series. Life was good and the hype was never bigger.
New York had their eyes set on younger talent and put Vaughn in the expansion draft where he was selected by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Vaughn was a shell of his former self. His ERA ballooned up to 7.0 and gave up 14.2 hits per nine innings and walked 56 batters while striking out 32. He was so bad the Devil Rays sent him down to the minors in Durham. Things got even worse in the minors.
While on the road, Vaughn was allegedly intoxicated in a local Waffle House. After being disruptive, he was asked to leave. He became hostile and started speaking lines from the film Roadhouse, challenging everyone to kick boxing matches. When the police finally arrived, the report stated that Vaughn was by the grill trying to wear two waffles as earrings. After the latest embarrassment, Vaughn was released and spent four weeks in county jail. The former icon, blackballed from the majors, tried his luck in the China Baseball League, starting for the Shang-Hai Bear Hawks. After that, Vaughn moved across the world and tried his hand in the Mexico League, leading the Mexico City Red Devils to the championship. Vaughn's International success lead to a tryout with the San Diego Padres. But during spring training, Rick was once again arrested for Grand Theft Auto due to stealing a Jethro Tull tour bus. As a result, Rick Vaughn decided to end his baseball career by signing a 10 day (year) contract with California Penal League team he started his career with.
Willie Mays Hayes (Major League)-The cocky bolt of speed was known for being the lead off man for the Cleveland Indians in the 90s and a fan favorite. Mays Hayes became a journey man spending stints with the Blue Jays, Mets, Reds, and Rangers before retiring rather early to continue to pursue his action movie career. His most notable film roles would go on to be Black Hammer/White Lightning II, Weapon of Death featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin, A Facefull of Punches with Steven Seagal, and his newest straight to DVD movie, 'Dog Eye'. The story of a Gladiator sent into the future that is forced to see the world through the eyes of a dog due to a transplant after an injury in battle.
Greg 'Goldie' Goldberg (The Mighty Ducks)- Goldberg was a winner. After winning the gold for Team USA at the Junior Goodwill Games, Goldberg earned a Junior Varsity scholarship at the Eden Hall Academy, a prestigious prep school. Usually known for his bodily functions, wise guy attitude, and a dominant goalie, Goldberg became a defenseman during a game against the Eden Hall Varsity team in which he scored the winning goal in a 1-0 victory for the former Duck. Goldberg earned a scholarship to play for prestigious Minnesota Golden Gophers hockey program but didn't see the ice too much his first two years and transferred to a Division III school, Plattsburgh State in upstate New York. Goldberg would become the starting Goalie and help Plattsburgh State win the D3 Championship over Rochester Institute of Technology, 6-2, in 2001.
Goldberg's former Pee Wee Hockey coach, Gordon Bombay, had become an agent while finding success rather quickly. Bombay had actually signed former player and NHL first round draft pick, Charlie Conway and negotiated a high contract with the Washington Capitals only to push for a trade to the Anaheim Mighty Ducks later that evening. Goldberg had loyalty to his former coach and signed with Bombay, hoping to just land on any NHL team. Goldberg was projected as a 8th or 9th round pick. Draft night came and went and Goldberg was still at home with no future team to play for. Using Bombay's connections, Goldberg managed to get a try out with the Florida Panthers. Goldberg showed some promise but on the last week of training camp, Goldberg overslept from a late night Chili Burger eating contest at Ralph's Snack Shack and missed practice. He was sent home the next day and that was the end of his hockey career. Greg Goldberg now owns and runs his own Burger stand in Time Square called 'Goldberg's Burgers.' He is married with three kids, all of them play hockey.
Willie ‘Steamin’ Beamen (Any Given Sunday)- Willie 'Steamin' Beamen, the flashy back-up QB for the Miami Sharks, that took the Sharks to the playoffs after Hall of Fame QB, Cap Rooney went down. After the season, he spurned Miami to sign with the Albuquerque Aztecs, coached by his mentor and former Sharks coach, Tony D'Amato. Willie would lead his team to The Pantheon Cup three years later but would face a major obstacle in the title game. The night before at a commercial shoot for Beamen's new METRX product, featuring his personal friend, Nelly, Beamen struggled to get the dialogue correct and digested too many shots of the popular protein mix. He was hospitalized and expected to miss the championship game. While trailing at halftime to the Miami Sharks, Willie 'Steamen' Beamen, pulled the IVs out and made his way to the stadium.
Right before the first possession of the 3rd quarter, Beamen trotted onto the field like Willis Reed did for the New York Knicks in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals. Beamen's play inspired his teammates. The Sharks and Aztecs would trade leads until the final seconds. Down 21-26, 11 seconds on the clock at the Aztecs own 42 yard line, Beamen ran the option. He faked like he was pitching it to the halfback, kept it, and ran it nearly 60 yards for the game winning Touchdown.
After winning the Pantheon Cup, Beamen would make it back to 2 more title games that ended in losses. He released two R&B albums and 3 cook books He retired and is now a morning talk show host with Snooki on NBC.
Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game)- Elite Coney Island basketball recruit, Jesus Shuttlesworth spurned the NBA to attend Big State University in hopes that the governor would pardon his father from his prison sentence. While at Big State, Jesus lived up to the hype and was a man amongst boys. He averaged 27.2 ppg his freshmen season, winning POTY, and leading BSU to the Final Four. Shuttlesworth intended on finishing college and getting his degree to fulfill his deceased mother's dream. However, Shuttlesworth was a guaranteed lock to be the first player selected in the NBA Draft. Jesus Shuttlesworth's father, Jake, was finally pardoned by the Governor and was released the day of the NBA Draft.
Jake accompanied his son to Madison Square Garden, both dressed in white suits. With the first pick in the NBA Draft, the Golden State Warriors made Jesus Shuttlesworth their man. Jake and Jesus, wearing their Warriors draft caps, embraced for over 15 minutes while tears filled their eyes. The entire arena gave a standing ovation leading to one of the most heartfelt moments in sports history. Jesus would go on to become an 11x NBA All Star, winning one MVP, and one NBA Championship. His father, Jake, is now a high school basketball coach in Philadelphia.
Teen Wolf/Scott Howard (Teen Wolf)- The wolf led the Beavers all the way to the 1985 District Championship game, averaging a quadruple double along the way. Scott Howard, wanting to prove to the world that he could succeed without the wolf, refused to wolf out, and took on the Dragons in the District Championship game, sinking two free throws as time expired to beat the Dragons and their 34 year old high school star, Mick McAllister.
After high school, despite having multiple basketball scholarships for 'The Wolf', Scott refused to go as the wolf but not too many schools wanted Scott in human form. He went to Pasadena Community College for the first year. Scott started to feel lonely. His best friend from high school, Stiles, was now attending UCLA, majoring in film, and had become the youngest club promoter on the planet. Scott's girlfriend Boof, enrolled at Pepperdine. Scott wanted to be closer to Boof but didn't really have the money to attend Pepperdine so he was forced to break a promise he made to himself. He was going to have to 'WOLF OUT' to get that basketball scholarship and play for Pepperdine. The plan worked. Wolf led the team in scoring and in van dancing. He would go on to lead the Pepperdine Waves to the 2nd round of the NIT his senior year. In the final minutes of his last collegiate game, Wolf would foul out due to accidentally swatting an opponent in the face while trying to get a tick off of him.
Wolf and Boof got married and had a little boy/cub named Jacob. He also, found a job at an advertising agency in Los Angeles where he promoted his fame every step of the way. Life was good. But one Fall afternoon, Wolf got into a hostile argument with mailman, Gerald Sanders, biting him repeatedly while chasing him down the street. Local authorities had no choice but to put him down. Wolf was 33 years old.
Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)- Hickory High School star, Jimmy Chitwood, gained notoriety after sinking a last second jumper to win the 1952 Indiana High School State Championship. Chitwood won Indiana's Mr. Basketball award and signed to play college basketball in his homestate for the Hoosiers.
Freshmen were not allowed to play varsity in 1953 but due to a NCAA loophole for hardworking farm boys, Chitwood was allowed to participate in varsity action. Indiana would make the NCAA Championship game in Kansas City, Missouri taking on the Kansas Jayhawks. With 26 seconds to go, down 67-68 and in the possession of the Hoosiers, Indiana coach, Branch McCracken called timeout. McCracken drew up a play to get the ball in the post to leading scorer, center Don Schlundt, who had 30 points in the contest. The Hoosiers players seemed disenchanted. McCracken screamed and wanted to know what was grinding their gears. Jimmy Chitwood, a freshmen who had only spoken 6 words all season (which happened to be "Picket Fence" three different occasions) informed the coach "I'll make it..again." McCracken trusted him. Indiana held the ball, Kansas packed the lane to deny Schlundt, and with 4 seconds to go, Indiana's Bobby Leonard penetrated and kicked it to Jimmy at the top of the key, who took one dribble and let it fly! SWISH! Game over! 69-68 read the scoreboard. Chitwood would only finish with six points but the last bucket summed up his career and foreshadowed things to come. Jimmy Chitwood was a winner.
Jimmy would carry that same success to the NBA, winning 8 NBA Championships with the legendary Boston Celtics having a career average of 14 ppg, 5 apg, 6 rpg, before tearing his ACL and finishing his career playing one more season with the New York Knicks, The Hickory hero was a shell of his former self only averaging about 10 minutes per game and 3 ppg with the Knicks, but he boosted morale in the locker room.
Jimmy Chitwood would stay in basketball for most of his life. He had stints as an assistant coach with the Cincinnati Royals, ABA franchises Miami Floridians, Kentucky Colonels, and Virginia Squires before accepting his first head coaching position at Butler University. Chitwood would coach for 8 seasons at the small college in Indianapolis before calling it a career. Jimmy and his wife, Charlotte, had 9 children, and are now retired and living on the farm Jimmy grew up on in Hickory.
Crash Davis/Ebbie Calvin 'Nuke' Laloosh/ (Bull Durham)- Crash Davis, the Minor League's all time home run leader, accepted a managerial position with the Class A Oaks of Visalia, Calif. A job that was even more humbling than the Carolina League where Davis had just been released by the Durham Bulls. It was still a job nonetheless and after being a career journeyman, Crash felt good just being wanted again.
Accompanying him out west was his new love, Annie Sovoy. Along the 3,000 mile drive, Annie and Crash bickered back and forth in regards to Susan Sontag novels, discussing ancient Buddhist Philosophies, and pulling over to play catch in every state across the U.S. They would stop in Vegas at a restaurant that doubled as Pancake House and a wedding chapel, getting married and staying married. Not only was Crash finding success in his love life but on the field as well. Crash was a surprise in single A ball.
Quick results and intriguing potential lead to an offer to coach the Triple A New Orleans Zephyrs. Three years later, Crash would get back to 'The Show' extending those 21 days he spent as a player, by being named batting coach for the Milwaukee Brewers. Crash would later accept the same position with the Giants and hold those duties for the next 6 years. He is now the Director of Player Development for the Giants while his wife, Annie, instructs the player's wives on how to improve their husband's mechanics and psyche.
Ebbie Laloosh aka 'Nuke', was the very definition of inconsistent early in his professional career. During his stint with the Durham Bulls, Nuke would destroy a confused batter with nasty speed. The very next pitch, he would be knocking the mascot unconscious with his lack of control. In his professional debut, he set performance records for strikeouts, walks, and wild pitches. Durham management brought in Crash Davis to guide the young prospect a long and help show him the ropes. Nuke's girlfriend, Annie, and future wife of Crash, also, coached him, helping his control by making him wear a garter of hers that snugged his hips. This as well as the philosophy of withholding any physical contact, helped Nuke get on a hot streak that caught the eyes of MLB scouts. This is a technique that Annie Savoy still teaches to player's wives in San Francisco. Nuke quickly got the call every Minor League player dreams of….he was going to the show.
Nuke was called up by the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta, cautious of throwing Nuke to the wolves, started him out of the bullpen, only letting him face 3 batters at a time. Over the course of the next 7 games, Nuke did not allow a single player on base, striking out 15 of the 21 batters he faced. His time in the bullpen was over. During his rookie year, Nuke was feverishly piling up impressive numbers in wins, strikeouts, dirtballs, hit batters, and injured teammates. Nuke would win NL Rookie of the Year by boasting a 15-6 record, 2.54 ERA, and 237 strikeouts.
Nuke's success brought him admiration and attention off the field. Every young Hollywood starlet wanted to be on the arm of Ebbie Nuke Laloosh. His relationship with model Kathy Ireland was a focal point of gossip rags. During a road trip in Los Angeles, girlfriend, Kathy Ireland, was apparently the reason for a fight between Nuke and Charlie Sheen at The Viper Room. The two would separate a year later. Nuke's famous relationships also consisted of dating Madonna, Jenny McCarthy, Denise Richards, Meg Ryan, and Julia Roberts.
Nuke's infamous lack of control would rear its ugly head now and again. One night in St. Louis in a 4 game stretch against the Cardinals, Nuke, intending on throwing a breaking ball, ended up in the first row of the upper deck, clocked at 98 mph. The crowd laughed until it realized a vendor selling snow cones was knocked unconsious and hanging off the rail. He would regain consciousness but would spend the rest of his life speaking with a slight lisp. Then there was that night in Cincinnati, where a wild pitch found its way on the side of the head of a racing sausage mascot. It was rumored to be intentional but Laloosh denied it.
Nuke's MLB career was a success; playing the majority of his career in Atlanta with brief stops in Oakland and Detroit before finishing his Major League career with the Braves. Nuke won a World Series with the Braves in 1995 and finished with one Cy Young award. Despite being 44 years old and no longer having any gas in his pitches, Nuke still dreams of getting back to the show. He is currently back in the minors, pitching in Durham, hoping for that call again.
This is a parody