Arizona Cardinals
-QB John Skeleton (Questionable)-Skeleton is said to have a high ankle sprain and is expected to be out 4-6 weeks. This of course means nothing to fantasy owners unless you're the worst fantasy football player ever. Chances are if John Skeleton is your fantasy QB, then you probably have Lawrence Fishburn as your half back. The Cardinals need not worry either. Kevin Kolb is the best QB on the team. Then again, that isn't saying much.
-HB Beanie Wells (Probable) Ankle. Wells rushed for 14 yards off 7 attempts vs Seattle this Sunday.
Atlanta Falcons
-HB Jason Snelling (Probable-calf)- zzzzz. Unless Michael Turner comes down with food poisoning or is kidnapped by one of his five baby's mammas then you'll never need to know the status of Jason Snelling, fantasy owners or Falcons fans.
Baltimore Ravens
-LB Courtney Upshaw (Probable-sprained shoulder)- Highly touted rookie, Courtney Upshaw, out of Alabama has struggled to stay healthy during the pre-season but is expected to make his debut for the defensive-minded Ravens Monday night. According to sources, the shoulder does not hurt as much as having the name Courtney.
Buffalo Bills
-WR Steve Johnson (Probable-groin)- Johnson had no problem on Sunday, pulling in 4 catches for 55 yards and a TD. Proving once again to be one of the few bright spots in a blowout loss to the Jets.
-HB Fred Jackson (Questionable-knee) – Jackson left the game early in the 2nd quarter vs the Jets and is diagnosed with a sprained LCL which officially makes him yesterday's news and as relevant as Jessica Simpson due to the outstanding performance of CJ Spiller. Its pretty sick when fantasy owners cheer an injury but you know CJ Spiller owners are popping and locking right now.
-WR David Nelson (Doubtful-knee)- Nelson went down with a knee injury trying to cut and left the game. He might want to create a big Netflix list to entertain himself because he's going to be out an extended period of time.
Carolina Panthers
-HB Johnathan Stewart (Inactive-ankle)- Did not play Sunday Vs Tampa Bay. At least this takes one option away from figuring out the mystery of who will run the ball the most for Carolina.
Chicago Bears
-LB Brian Urlacher (Probable-knee)-Urlacher only had two tackles Sunday and was pulled early during the blowout win against the Colts just to be cautious. Urlacher was said to be upset during an interview but quickly stopped the interview and returned to eating metal and quoting Rambo. Obviously that is a joke but this guy is destined for a career in action movies after his career is over. He's everything Brian 'The Boz' Bosworth should have been.
CB-Charles Tillman (Questionable-knee)- Tillman limped off the field Sunday with an apparent right leg injury. However, once he got to the sidelines, it was discovered that he really just wanted to play Madden 13.
Cincinnati Bengals
-QB Andy Dalton (Probable-arm)- Dalton, fortunate enough to share the same name as the main character of Roadhouse, is set to play Vs Baltimore Monday night. This shouldn't mean much to fantasy owners though. He's playing Baltimore's defense so you would be kind of crazy to start him and unless you're in a 16-20 league team, then why is Dalton your starter in week one?
Cleveland Browns
-ALL FOOTBALL FANS WITH EYES! QB Brandon Weeden's performance was so bad that it made babies cry and fans riot. Not really…well, maybe? Regardless, Weeden and his 48 year old body managed to earn a QB rating of 5.1. The entire city of Cleveland and Browns management should issue a public apology.
-HB Trent Richardson (Probabl..probably awful-knee)- Rookie Trent Richardson ran the ball 19 times for 39 yards proving once again that the city of Cleveland was made just so everyone can laugh at their sports teams.
Dallas Cowboys
-TE Jason Witten (Probable-spleen)- Witten proved that he was a warrior by playing Wednesday Vs the Giants, despite suffering a spleen injury a month before the season. That is incredible. Simply put, I believe this man may in fact, be a cyborg.
-WR Dez Bryant (Probable-wrists)- Dez Bryant is reportedly resting after injuring his wrists on his weekly arrest.
Denver Broncos
-No injuries of importance
Detroit Lions
-No injuries of importance
Green Bay Packers
-Their pride (Probable)- No one foresaw the Packers getting blitzed by San Francisco on Sunday. After going 15-1 last season, the Packers were expected to prove again that they were the Kings of the NFC. Well, the 49ers knocked them out like boxer Butterbean knocks out cheeseburgers.
Houston Texans
-No injuries of importance
Indianapolis Colts
-DE Dwight Freeney (Questionable-ankle)- Freeney left the game Sunday, due to an ankle injury and did not return. Colts fans did not return from the bathroom of their local Buffalo Wild Wings after getting demolished in Chicago.
Jacksonville Jaguars
-HB Rashad Jennings (Questionable-knee) Jennings suffered a knee injury on Sunday vs Minnesota. So all of you fantasy owners can drop this guy like a bad habit. Maurice Jones Drew is back in town. Jennings ended up being the Kimbo Slice of fantasy football. His hype this week was like the Y2K scare where everyone went out and bought cans of Chef Boyardee and dug a hole in their backyard to create a bunker. Just a whole lot of talk for nothing….
Kansas City Chiefs
-No injuries of importance
Miami Dolphins
-No injuries of importance
Minnesota Vikings
-HB Adrian Peterson (Probable-knee) Everyone was lead to believe that Peterson would be worked into play very slowly with Toby Gearheart getting the bulk of the carries. Well, Peterson ran the ball 17 times for 84 yards and 2 TDs once again re-affirming that most experts do not know what they're talking about…except for this one.
-Toby Gearheart Fantasy owners- It stings, doesn't it?
New England Patriots
-QB Tom Brady (nose)-Brady was sporting a band-aid after demolishing the Titans on Sunday. The band aid is said to have been placed by Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen. Sources were able to confirm that the band-aid was indeed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles brand band-aids and Brady's had Michelangelo on it.
New Orleans Saints
-Coach Sean Payton (SSPD-bad judgement)- Payton serving a suspension still managed to suffer injruy this weekend due to burning his mouth on some unusually hot Totino's Pizza Rolls.
New York Giants
-CB Prince Amukamara (Out)- Despite not being able to run due to suffering a high ankle sprain in the final preseason game, Prince managed to make time to read for the starring role in Coming to America 2. No name change will be needed.
New York Jets
-FB John Connor (Questionable-knee)- Connor, a vital player in the Jets backfield, was not able to return to the thrashing of the Buffalo Bills Sunday. It did not matter because Buffalo's defense never even showed up. Is a Terminator joke too easy, here? I'll let this one slide.
-Skip Bayless (Doubtful-brain) Tebow's biggest backer's head is allegedly spinning due to not being able to discuss Tebow and bash the performance of starting QB Mark Sanchez.
Oakland Raiders
-K Sebastian Janikowski (groin)- Janikowski was a full participant at Friday's practice and is already set to kick field goals all the way from the parking lot.
-DE Richard Seymour (Questionable-knee)- Seymour was limited at practice. When he wasn't practicing, he was counting his championship rings from the Patriots and tweeting poetry reminiscing about the good ole' days.
-WR Denarius Moore (Questionable-hamstring)- He may play but I doubt any of you fantasy owners are this desperate…yet.
Philadelphia Eagles
-QB Michael Vick (Probable-fatigue)- Vick suffered from fatigue due to his arm getting tired after throwing 4 interceptions. Michael Vick of 2010 is long gone, people. He robbed the Eagles like Swayze's Ex Presidents robbed banks in Point Break. I did it, ladies and gentlemen. I once again, made a Point Break reference. YOU'RE WELCOME!
Pittsburgh Steelers
-LB James Harrison (Out-knee)- Harrison was unable to cheap shot anyone on Sunday due to his knee injury. Roger Goodell still fined him.
-HB Rashard Mendenhaal (Questionable-knee)-Mendenhaal hopes to return to a crowded Steelers backfield.
San Diego Chargers
-HB Ryan Matthews (Out-shoulder)- Matthews could be back in week 2 but for now, Ronnie Brown, will carry the load. Remember that guy?
San Francisco 49ers
-HB Brandon Jacobs (Doubtful-sprained left knee)
-HB LaMichael James (out-no idea)-The 49ers will not reveal why James is inactive. The only possible reason is that he is actually a stone cold assassin and this is a government cover up.
-WR Ted Ginn (Doubtful-ankle)
Seattle Seahawks
-No injuries of importance
St. Louis Rams
-No injuries of importance
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
-No injuries of importance
Tennessee Titans
- QB Jake Locker (Probable-shoulder)- Locker suffered a left (non-throwing) shoulder separation Sunday vs , he expects to play next week against the Chargers.
-HB Chris Johnson- He is not listed on any injury report but something must be wrong with him because he has been awful since the start of last season. Either he was cloned like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity and this is just the bad copy while the real Chris Johnson is out sailing or Chris Johnson got satisfied with his big contract and quit caring about his performance. Regardless, his game should be put on a milk carton.
Washington Redskins
- WR Peire Garcon (Probable-foot)- Garcon left Sunday's game Vs the Saints, early due to a foot injury. The fact that he still managed to pull in four catches for a 109 yards and 1 TD speaks volumes of what to expect from the RGIII/Garcon DC connection.
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