As multi-millionaires footballers quite rightly shouldn't give a flying shit about what we think of their haircuts, yet here we are, judging them as if we're ever going to earn as much money as they do for kicking a ball about on a bit of grass. It's the kind of thing that, if you thought about it long enough, would probably send you spiralling into a pit of envious despair, but thankfully there are articles such as this one that will distract you from the fact that you won't earn as much in a year as this tosser does in a week.
So here are the 5 most ridiculous haircuts in football, each one belonging to a man who is probably in bed with a beautiful model as you're reading this sentence.
5. MARIO BALOTELLI
For the man who lacks the courage to go full-skinhead, the tiny mohawk has always been the best option. Like a blonde caterpillar rested permanently across his scalp, Manchester City striker Balotelli's haircut certainly has an aerodynamic quality, and that's about the highest compliment I can give to it.
4. JOLEON LESCOTT
A receding hairline, short back and sides and Jheri curls fight for dominance on Manchester City defender Joleon Lescott's head. Unfortunately, none of them are victorious, leaving a travesty that no barber in the western world could fix.
3. DJIBRIL CISSE
While Queens Park Rangers striker Cisse's blonde hair/beard combo is ridiculous, it also makes him look like a black viking. Vikings are awesome so, by default, Cisse's hair is awesome. Hey, don't blame me, I don't make the rules!
2. MAROUANE FELLAINI
The above photograph is of Everton midfielder Fellaini and his brother, though you could be forgiven for interpreting it as an ancient drawing on a cave wall depicting two neanderthals engaging in primitive communication via hand gestures and facial expressions.
1. BREK SHEA
Just look at that abomination. I mean, yes, the other haircuts on this list are all suitably awful, but the players who sport them at least have a certain style they're trying to adopt. However, that's not the case for FC Dallas winger Brek Shea. Brek Shea is a man who walked into the barbers and, when asked what style he would like, responded: "all of them".
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Photos: Getty Images