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Jewelry for Any Man’s Thing is Now a Real Thing

Esculpta is now offering very personal male jewelry to adorn a part of your body you may be neglecting, aesthetically speaking.

Eric Rogellby Eric Rogell

Male jewelry is nothing new, but the very male jewelry coming from Esculpta is definitely news.

It used to be if you wanted to spice things up in the bedroom, you slipped on a pair of silk boxers—or, if you had the physique for it and were positive no one would ever find out, you could sport one of those male stripper G-strings with the elephant trunk that shows off your junk.

Not anymore. According to boutique cock ring retailer Esculpta, the trend of dangling a little something fancy around your dangle is getting bigger. And, bigger.

Sales of their stylish Johnson jewelry have skyrocketed recently, and women—who used to make up 0% of sales—now make up about one-third of all cock ring buyers. That should tell us something: Maybe our trouser snakes need a little ornamentation to get her engine revving. And relax, nothing needs to get pierced to do that.

To jazz up your junk, Esculpta make their Le Cock Rings in a variety of elaborate designs, featuring high-end materials like 18 carat gold, sterling silver and precious gemstones adorning comfortable, durable black rubber. And, with names like “The Satyr” and “The Imperator,” your wiener never looked so wonderful, or sounded so damn powerful.

Speaking of, if Anthony Weiner had one of these on in those selfies, he might still be a Congressman today. Look at these things. They make you want to walk around sans pants just to show them off. Who could have blamed him?

And did we mention they’re adjustable? That way it takes the embarrassment of your girl ordering you a Large, then finding out what she thought was large was actually Petite.

Nikias, founder of the company and designer behind these “Crings” says, “Le Cock Ring is the 'pièce de résistance' for males who allow their passion to mark its presence on their every moment, however private or intimate.”

Honestly, we’d glue googly eyes and a picture of Manolo Blahniks to it if we thought that would help close the deal.

Le Cock Rings start at $165 and come with a discrete carrying case.