There are two good reasons you own jeans: they’re comfortable and they go with everything. That pretty much makes it the most powerful garment you own. So are you going to drop $26 on that or $260?
An attorney can have tracks of tats on his torso and still win cases. A billionaire with a huge butt is still going to get laid whenever he wants. And a surgeon with the most insane mullet you’ve ever seen is still capable of saving your life. (Well, we don’t really believe that one.) But if you walk around in shitty denim, no one will believe you’re capable of anything.
Because when it comes to jeans, you’re either doing it all right or all wrong. And if you’re doing it all wrong, everyone – and we mean everyone – is pointing and laughing behind your back.
We don’t want you to be that dude any more than you do. Denim, in all its wonder and glory, needs to be stylish, comfortable, the right cut and – dare we say – a bit pricy for you to look awesome. So unless you ditch those stone-washed Wranglers right now, you’ll wank your own weenie on the weekend for the rest of your life.
But with so many colors, washes, price points and designers weighing in on the big purchase, how do you know where to begin? So. Glad. You. Asked.
Consider the Cut
You’re not Adam Levine, so there’s really no need to stuff your sausage legs into a pair of skinny jean casings. Instead, get real with your body type and decide what feels – and looks – best in terms of boot, slim, ankle or relaxed. Start with the knowledge that snug in the thighs and looser near the knees is important. And then add in bonus points for a little stretch, like 98% cotton; 2% spandex. While everyone looks hot in a tapered leg, only taller dudes can get away with a boot cut. Choose Thin Finn from Nudie Jeans if you want your big ass to appear less round. You’re welcome.
And don’t be afraid to cuff ’em. We’re not saying you have to go all sans socks and Polo match, but a little roll has rhythm. Especially with sneakers or ankle-cut boots. The denim gods from 3 X 1 wear the pants when it comes to this look.
Related: Fall Prey to Flannel
Weigh the Washes
Think inky blue for your every-day denim and go a bit more vintage is you want a distressed look. Generally speaking, the darker the rinse the dressier the denim. Check out these from 7 For All Mankind. They’ve got high-stretch fiber for a cashmere feel, and are nice enough to pair with a blazer for the office or a dinner date.
Stack ’Em Up
“I got too much pussy this year,” said no man. Ever. The same holds true for jeans. You can never really have enough as long as you’re buying different designers and hues. So cop a color every now and then. Get a rustic red or mustard in the rotation. No dude, it’s not lame. See how quickly your friends follow suit.
Here’s one last thought: don’t wear jeans that have huge, thick-stitched, Japanese art-inspired pockets. Because you’ll look like Jon Gosselin on a yacht. And we all know how that turned out. Poor Ed Hardy.