Where do I begin? The latest spin on shameless fame-whoring and emotional exploitation of the stupid comes from a new show called "Momma's Boys," and it centers on a group of mothers faced with the challenge of helping find the perfect woman for their douchey sons, in some hacking attempt to "answer" the "ultimate" question: "Who is really the most important woman in every man's life?"
Executive produced by Ryan Seacrest (you've been warned) and Andrew Glassman (Average Joe), "Momma's Boys" drama ensues when a three mothers and their puffy, narcissistic bachelor sons are housed together with several single women - 32, to be exact. Some of the possible matches for the guys are "nice girls," as in, girls who don't have a history of taking their clothes off for money. Several others, however, are no stranger to being degraded by slobbering men for money. For example, contestant Erica Ellysonis the 2008 Penthouse Pet of the Year, while Stacey Fuson (FYI - links are very NSFW) is Playboy's Miss February 1999, and Brittany Fuchs recently did her own spin in Playboy. So much for a level playing field, huh girls?
Granted, there are gathering of females on the show who aren't nude models or professional famewhores, but they're just streaks of faux legitimacy for viewers with weaker stomachs. They'll likely be dismissed within the first few episodes. Somewhat normal and within screaming range of genuinely intelligent have no place on this kind of show.
Naturally, producers found the most possessive, narrow-minded mothers on the face of the planet for "Momma's Boys" as well. Despite the fact that the show doesn't air for another week, there's already been one major incident involving one of the mothers: Khalood Bojanowski of Washington Township, Michigan has notified local police expressing concern about repercussions after her neighbors see her true colors in the show's first episode. The segment she's concerned about centers on Bojanowaski listing the qualifications she’s seeking in a mate for her son Jojo, who is 21 years old. That's right, I said Jojo.
“I cannot have a Black one," said the self-described Iraqi Catholic (as if Catholics weren't riddled with enough guilt, right?) "I can’t have an Asian one; I can’t have a fat-butt girl,” she went on. Well, ok, no fat-ass black Asians. Check. How about a nice Jewish girl? ”Nooo! No Jewish girl! No way, no way!” she says. “I cannot stand them! I’m sorry, but I can’t handle them. It has to be a white girl.”
Bojanowski is even seen in a future episode threatening to kill her son or at least, uh, strangle his balls when she sees him kissing a black woman in a hot tub. “I’m going to kill him, that’s what I’m going to do!” she screams. “I’m going to strangle his balls! I swear, I’m ready to kill somebody!”
Needless to say, there's very little Khalood or the other two mothers won't do to influence their sons in their televised searches for the perfect mate. This is all done, of course, under the premise of entirely dismissing the inarguable fact that all three guys are mind-numbingly ridiculous exhibits of de-evolution themselves, and the girls aren't exactly family-portrait material.
I'd say this show has a life expectancy of about three minutes, but if "I Love Money" can still be on the air, and any of us has any idea who Tila Tequila is, anything can happen.
One girl gets a special mention, just to show you the caliber of trash we're discussing here. If the show were based on terrible dye jobs and balls-out delusional freakish retardation alone, she'd take the cake in a heartbeat.
This is Rana Lyn Kaidbey, and these words are entirely hers:
"I graduated from Texas Christian University cum laude. My goals are to some day become a television host, as I refuse to let anything or anyone hold me back. All right, I am going to break this down for you... I'm a badass. It is true. I am extremely witty, and I’m always cracking jokes, so if you cannot keep up… take it somewhere else. I am normally out enjoying life with my friends and avoiding fake people in this world. I don't like people who pretend to be something they are not...and only time will show that. I’m a bartender, so that means if I have a night off most of the time I'm at a bar seeing my friends. I get told quite often I have the appearance of a bitch, but when people meet me, the majority will say I’m the biggest sweetheart ever. I am religious and believe God will have my back. There has not been a situation that I haven't triumphed over yet. The game is not over yet, because I didn't hear the fat lady singing anyway! I am a leader and definitely not a follower, so if I made up my mind about something then trust me you can't change it. I am a huge huge huge chocoholic and can almost always eat a pizza. I am actually more like a guy than a girl when it comes to my personality. I played sports for years and follow it, so get ready guys!!!! Now, I am learning that you have to earn the right to be in my life... it's not just handed over to anyone anymore because I know quality is hard to find. I live by the motto: dude life's one big-ass party and I generally like to be the one leading the fun!!!"
Momma’s Boys premieres on NBC on Tuesday, December 16th at 10 PM ET.
