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The Geordie Shore: Please Take It Back, America.

Jersey Shore lives on in the hearts of other nations… Oh dear Lord…

Hello, America. I’m one of many people who inhabit the country of England. You may remember us from wars such as WWII, that one in Iraq/Afghanistan (is that still going on? Blimey), or Ricky Gervais’ war on Hollywood. We’ve had quite the tumultuous relationship, haven’t we? Despite supposedly being partners in crime, there seems to be quite a lot of underlying hostility bubbling just beneath the surface, presumably due to how much time we share together. I mean, we’re always skipping off hand-in-hand to shoot those pesky foreigners; we must be getting tired of each other’s company by now.

You with your gung-ho enthusiasm, us with our acerbic pessimism; there’s no way it was going to work forever, was there? So now that we’re opening up (and please feel free to do so in the comments section), I have but one small favour to ask of you; could you PLEASE take back the Shore concept?

A few months ago MTV UK revealed that there was to be a British version of your inexplicably popular Jersey Shore, titled ‘Geordie Shore’ and set in Newcastle, England. Just like your Jersey Shore, it was to follow a group of vacuous, self-obsessed muscle heads and a gaggle of loudmouthed, booze-swilling females as they drank and shagged their way through a few weeks in the Clubbing Capital of England.

Now, I’m a fan of the Jersey Shore. Call me what you like but, after being forced to sit through the last series as part of a cross-promotional deal with MTV, it started to grow on me. Sure, the women were expectedly obnoxious and the men empty-headed, but it kept a sense of comradery and family spirit that set it apart from other, more lamentable reality shows.

But then there’s Geordie Shore. Two episodes in and I’m already being persuaded to believe that the rest of the UK should unite to launch a civil war on Newcastle. Of course it isn’t the city’s fault, they’re probably just as embarrassed as the Italian-Americans were as the word ‘Guido’ shot into prominence, but after viewing GS (keep up with these acronyms slowpoke) and having my intelligence slowly and methodically molested, I’ve been led to believe that this is the only reasonable course of action.

Whereas Jersey Shore was irritatingly omnipresent but filled with memorable characters who, despite their obvious flaws as individuals, were potently marketable and to some extent likeable, Geordie Shore is filled with faceless sub-humans who by the end of Episode 2 seem to morph into a singular, infinitely irritating entity. The girls all share the same raggedy black hair tapering down to their arse cheeks, while the boys are all faux-hawks and shit-eating grins. It makes for truly grim viewing.

Initially the only one among them who appears to have any discernible positive qualities as a human being is Greg, who starts off by complaining about the male housemates’ homoerotic preening of each other and their inability to discuss anything other than said preening. He considers leaving the house during the first episode, but then reconsiders on the basis that the tools finally go ahead and accept him after he punches some guy in the face at a club. Typical.

But it’s a ratings hit, of course, trumping The Hills, the MTV Movie Awards and even its US counterpart Jersey Shore to bring in the highest ratings MTV has had for 3 years in the UK. This means not only will we be seeing a lot more of these nuisances, but we’ll also witness first-hand their meteoric rise to fame a la Snooki & co.

So with this in mind, America, we here in Britain beg for your mercy. Not only have we had to bear an unsightly remake of The Hills in the form of ‘The Only Way is Essex’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNebtyxuh84), but now we’ve got a second-rate carbon copy of your other notorious reality show. As a nation, we simply cannot withstand this kind of faecal onslaught any longer. Please urge your TV producers to withdraw their creative input from our programming, and we’ll happily continue watching our usual shows; Football Played With Feet and Championship Tea-Drinking.