Spartacus: Blood and Sand - review

Starz might not exactly love this recommendation, but I say Spartacus: Blood and Sand is worth watching purely for the sex alone. They’ve brought Roman debauchery to modern TV and it’s almost like Caligula: The Series. You get to see Xena, the girl from Bitch Slap, a bunch of other new actresses I’ll be following after this and you can get away with it too, because all the dudes have their schlongs hanging out too.

I’m not saying it’s porn, or even the nicer word erotica. I’m just saying it’s awesome. It’s in your face, as debauchery should be. And it’s something to watch if you’re not totally into the show. I mean, I don’t really care about Rome and gladiators, but I love beautiful women.

Look, Erin Cummings is a lovely person, a really talented performer and I’ve enjoyed meeting her and talking to her. I thought she did a great job with difficult material in Bitch Slap. I also think she’s really, really gorgeous so I’m not going to not take delight in enjoying her beauty. Lucy Lawless was someone I figured would hold out forever, and bravo to her if she had. But she looks amazing, better and more fit than even in Xena, so am I supposed to take the high road and not enjoy this? Come on.

Interestingly, the pubes look totally fake. It’s nice to see bush again, but you can’t cover up that all these modern actresses are shaved with a mirkin. It still looks like a wig.

The action is really 300/Gladiator light. Lots of clanking swords with extreme blood, but not much nuance. In fact, they do a lot of the same moves as 300, including a spinning decapitated head. I think they saved their best moves for Spartacus. When he starts flipping and somersaulting into his kill shots, he looks the most badass. 

There are a lot of fights though, so if you like what they’re doing, you’ll see a lot of action. If the choreography is a bit simple, they still manage to create suspense. Spartacus’s rescue of his wife is truly suspenseful. The fights get better after Spartacus starts gladiator training, so maybe they’ll get more and more interesting as he progresses. CGI blood always looks ridiculous but there’s lots of it. 

The language is rather immature. It’s the basic “ancient” English where they say “let us” do something or “He speaks the truth.” Then they drop F bombs like little kids swearing in the bathroom. The sexual innuendo is blatant, as well it probably should be since this culture obviously embraced rampant sexuality. 

There are enough real sets to make you feel like you’re in ancient Rome, even when the big arena are green screen. The holding cells are full of chipped walls and there are lavish sets and locations too. The orgy palaces and flowery vistas show you it’s not all sepia fighting. They do use the green screen to transition seasons in a cool effect. 

Look, we can nitpick Blood and Sand’s place in gladiator cinema or compare the storytelling to other epics. Come on, this comes into your home for free, or for only a few bucks with your Starz subscription, far less than a movie or DVD. For that, you get lots of fighting, A-list nudity (as opposed to extras or day players) and there’s 12 or 13 of ‘em. That’s all they had to tell me up front.