Episode Title: "Fortune"
Writer: Anne Coffell Saunders
Director: Christopher Petry
Previously on "Smallville":
Clark Kent (Tom Welling), Oliver Queen/Green Arrow (Justin Hartley), the recently returned Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) and the rest of their nascent Justice League have been fighting the agents of Darkseid, who intend to spread his darkness over the Earth. At the same time, Clark also made plans to marry Lois Lane (Erica Durance) and revamp his "Clark Kent" identity so that he could finally show his face as "The Blur." Also, Oliver was infected with the darkness by Desaad (Steve Byers) and Lex Luthor is coming back in a few episodes to wrap up the series.
But who has time to tell an ongoing story? Not the writers of "Smallville"! So sit back and read about their attempt to ripoff "The Hangover" and pretend that we didn’t all see this movie two years ago.
With their wedding coming up, Clark and Lois get ready to have a bachelor/bachelorette party with Chloe, Oliver, Tess Mercer (Cassidy Freeman) and Dr. Emil Hamilton (Alessandro Juliani). The six of them share a drink of champagne and toast to the happy couple. Hours later, Clark wakes up in his destroyed bedroom, with Chloe locked in a closet wearing a wedding dress and a lemur in his bed. Worse, Chloe and Clark believe that they may have gotten married. When they go downstairs, they find that the champagne was enchanted (as a gift) by Zatanna, which conveniently explains why Clark was affected.
While investigating their tracks from the night before, they find Hamilton singing and dancing as Elvis Presley, with Tess joining him in a duet before the police arrive to arrest Hamilton… for making an armored car disappear. Although still very drunk, Tess points out that only Clark could have done that. A quick visit to Clark’s barn confirms his fear: a busted up armored car is stashed there and it is loaded with money. Meanwhile, Lois and Oliver wake up together near train tracks and discover that she’s lost her engagement ring. Back at Watchtower, Tess confirms that the men who took Hamilton weren’t actually the police.
At the Fortune Casino, Amos Fortune (James Kidnie) has his men rough up Hamilton, who still can’t remember the previous night. When Lois and Oliver wander in, they learn that they were there last night and told never to return. Lois also spies her ring on Fortune’s finger and realizes that he must have cheated her out of it. Fortune’s thugs capture Lois and Oliver, who quickly escape and look for a way to hide in plain sight. The next time we see them, Lois is dressed up as a showgirl on stage… and so is Oliver! Holy s***, Smallville! Really?! Way to ‘Cape’ off your season.
Fortune actually has the hots for Oliver in drag, which produces a brief free for all as Lois tries to reclaim her ring. Elsewhere in the building, Clark frees Hamilton and Chloe helps Lois and Oliver knock out Fortune and his men. Chloe also learns that she and Clark weren’t married. Later, the gang meets up at Watchtower to view excruciatingly bad videos of themselves (it’s sad watching actors play drunk who don’t seem to have ever been drunk in their lives). Chloe sneaks out of the screening and tells Oliver that she’s leaving forever… but she already married him and she’s going to move to his hometown, Star City to be with him.
Once I saw this one coming up in the schedule of episodes, I knew this was going to be a weak installment of the series. But I didn’t think it would be so epically bad as to approach "The Cape" in terms of superhuman feats of mediocrity. But it did! And now I have to say something that I never thought I would: This episode made me ashamed to be a "Smallville" fan.
Let’s start off with the very premise. Who the f*** saw "The Hangover" and said, "Hey! That would be a great episode of ‘Smallville!’" Do you know why "The Hangover" works and this doesn’t? Because the actors in "The Hangover" were actually funny! And the script was also pretty good. I wish either of those things were true of this episode. But none of the lead "Smallville" actors are very adapt at comedy and the script… Well, this may be the very worst episode of "Smallville" ever. Nothing worked. Not the characters, not the comedy or even the payoff for what everyone did the night before.
This makes me nostalgic for the "Freak of the Week" days. Because even when "Smallville" was bad, it was never boring! Until now.
If this is Allison Mack’s final episode on the series, than I can’t think of a less memorable way to see her depart. And that is ridiculous. Instead of reaching a satisfying end point for Chloe, she’s sent packing to be Oliver’s wife-in-waiting while he stays and deals with the darkness inside him? Why even introduce that plotline if there’s no intention of bringing it to a dramatic turning point? I would have killed for some drama in this episode!
We’re used to seeing Lois dress up in crazy outfits to get out of trouble, but the show hit another new low by getting Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow, completely in drag. That’s just awesome, showrunners. He barely has any dignity from wearing that stupid green hoodie and plastic green costume for years, so just strip away the rest!
If that was really Alessandro Juliani singing Elvis, then he’s not bad. But I hated, (HATED!) the Hamilton and Tess drunken hookup. For fu**’s sake, why?! The closing scenes of the characters watching the tape of their drunken revelry also rang completely false. There wasn’t a single genuine note or emotion in this episode.
And here’s the amazing thing. Not a single person says words to the effect "Thanks, b****" to Zatanna for drugging them. Instead they basically shrug it off as if it was nothing.
Screw that, "Smallville." For the first time in ten years, I feel like you’ve been wasting my time.
Crave Online Rating: 0.5 out of 10.