Episode Title: 'Bon Voyage, Angels'
Writer: Douglas Petrie
Director: James Marshall
Story:
The team is assigned to the case of a missing journalist, the same reporter who exposed the ring of dirty cops Kate was involved with four years earlier. Charlie (Victor Garber) and the girls offer to let Kate (Annie Ilonzeh) sit it out, but she insists on working the case.
The trio, along with Bosley (Ramon Rodriguez), board the cruise ship the reporter was last seen on. There, they learn of a casino dealer whose arranged a meeting with a number of high-level crimelords. Eve (Minka Kelly) goes undercover as a card counter and catches the dealer's eye. He takes her back to his room where she finds a tube containing a rare flower. It's the same tube she and Kate found in the reporter's room, earlier that day.
Abby (Rachael Taylor), posing as a masseuse, knocks out a gangster set to meet the dealer and gives his flower to Bosley. With the signature flower pinned to his jacket, Bosley goes undercover as a wealthy lawyer and meets with the dealer and heads to his suite, where the meeting takes place. After taking a sip of some drugged champagne, the attendees, including Bosley, fall unconscious and are taken to a private island.
On the island, Bosley and the others are introduced to Carlton Finch (D.B. Woodside), a drug kingpin who's using the exotic flower to mine a narcotic more potent than heroin. Meanwhile, the girls make their way to the island and encounter resistance from Finch's security. At the site of operations, Bosley asks for proof of the drug's addictive properties. Finch takes him and the others to a holding room where the journalist, hooked up to an IV and nearly comatose, is self-dosing herself with the drug.
As the girls make their way past security, the dealer from the ship learns that Bosley is not who he says he is. He informs Finch, who holds Bosley at gunpoint and is about to kill him. However, Bosley quickly turns the tables on Finch as the girls make their way to him. Finch is taken into custody and the warehouse's sweatshop labor is freed. Back in the states, Kate meets with the journalist, now in rehab, and they share a moment of mutual gratitude.
Breakdown:
Let's all double down on a dose of reality for a moment. This was probably the last episode of "Charlie's Angels" we'll have to suffer through. The swift hammer of ratings justice is sure to strike this poorly conceived reboot before next Thursday. If not, I'd like to be hooked up to that "heroin on steroids" IV drip before watching another hour of this mess.
I like to look on the bright side of things, even bad TV. Aside from Minka Kelly, "Charlie's Angels" cast is all newcomers. And landing a role on a network show is a huge break. Unfortunately, the show isn't very good. Like, at all.
When opening scenes included one of the Angels using her belt to make a zipline, I had hope for this hour. Yes, it was a ridiculous action sequence but that's what this show needs. But by the episode's end, when Minka Kelly's delivering a beating to a security guard who easily out weighs her by a hundred pounds, when she's soaking wet (which, by the way, she was), I realized there's no saving this show. There's ridiculous and then there's just stupid.
I do give "Charlie's Angels" credit for managing to pack in just about every procedural trope ever kicked around a writer's room. The number of times a computer was used as both the solution, and the problem, in this episode was record setting, to be sure. Also, the use of the "get out of there, now!"/miraculous escape cliche is groan worthy. And the touchy feely Hallmark card ending? Ok, that got me choked up. What? I'm not totally heartless.
In all likelihood, "Charlie's Angels" will not be back next week, making this episode's title a fitting one. One can only hope failed reboots like this one will serve as a cautionary tale to networks looking to television's past for new shows. It's hard enough to get it right the first time. If you're going to rely solely on a nostalgic name, best not to press your luck.
Crave Online Rating: 3 out of 10.
