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GEORDIE SHORE 4.04: Tears, Beers & Very Thin Eyebrows

Vicky and Sophie continue their feud while Gary undergoes an interesting makeover.

They say that blood is thicker than water, but the fake tan splattered across the bodies of the Geordie Shore residents is arguably thicker than both, so Vicky and Sophie's ongoing feud concerning Sophie's choice words about Vicky's fiancé Ricci in the previous episode has caused a rift in the house. "When Sophie and Vicky argue it does create a massive divide", explains Gary, "because when Vicky's with the girls, then Sophie comes with the lads, but so does Ricci, but Ricci and Sophie don't like each other, so then if Sophie's talking to the girls, Vicky can't, so then Vicky's back with Ricci." Thanks for clearing that up for us, Gaz.

But while Vicky and Sophie continue their spat, James is busy continuing to mask his latent homosexuality by focusing all of his attention on getting ready to meet his "worldie" (very attractive female companion) for their first date. James has swiftly became the shows' go-to narrator, as he spends most of his time standing on the sidelines of the action looking bemused, like a nature documentarian who has done very little background research prior to observing the animals.

A large portion of episode 4 is devoted to him getting ready, like an extended 80s action montage, except instead of explosions there's gratuitous eyebrow threading. He even selflessly involves his friends in his day of unabashed metrosexual preening, which concludes with Gaz looking like a perpetually surprised transvestite. 

However, there is one person in the Geordie Shore house who isn't as gung-ho about James' fledgling relationship, and that's Holly. Holly's mouth and James' genitalia had developed a bond last season, which has understandably left her feeling a little disheartened that James has found someone who he's not just using as a hiding place for his wang. 

Holly needn't grieve too much, though, as she has a prospective lover in Dan, who surprises her by turning up to the club she's in. Unfortunately, Holly hadn't spent an hour transforming herself into her bargain-bucket inflatable sex doll alter-ego prior to leaving the house, and so is embarrassed that Dan is being forced to see the woman behind the mahogany-coloured mask. He doesn't seem to mind though, getting a firm hold on her left arsecheek and clinging on to it as if his livelihood depends upon it which, let's face it, it probably does.

But love isn't in the air for Charlotte, who is having to come to terms with the aftermath of her behaviour in last week's episode, in which she got drunk, took off her skirt and got into Gary's bed. Much to Charlotte's surprise, this information doesn't go down too well with her boyfriend Scott, who promptly ends their relationship. "I can't believe it", says Charlotte, "I don't know how to be a girlfriend". Well, luckily for you, Charlotte, I can help you out with that. Here are my three tips on how to be a girlfriend:

1. Don't take off your skirt and get into another bloke's bed.

2. Read tip number 1.

3. Read tip number 2.

However, it isn't long before Charlotte overcomes her inner turmoil, gets drunk and proceeds to awkwardly crawl around the Geordie Shore house like an unattended baby.

By the end of the episode the tense atmosphere in the Geordie Shore house is settled. Following an epiphany whilst trying on wedding dresses for her upcoming nuptials with Ricci, Queen Vicky finally decides that Sophie is worthy of apologising to her, and the pair hug it out as only two contemptible reality show stars can. Meanwhile, James and his worldie head off into the "buckin' bungalow" (an external bedroom used solely for sexual purposes) as Holly concludes that, y'know what, f*** that nice fella who was touching my bottom earlier, I wanna be the girl that James eventually has to come out of the closet to.

Say whatever you like about the girl, but you can't fault her persistence. 


Paul Tamburro is the UK Editor of @CraveOnline. Follow him on Twitter @PaulTamburro.